Santa Claus, Paper Athletes & …

By: chris | January 4th, 2011

SPAIN SOCCER

Roma

Normally I write my shtick to pass the hours on flights. It just works. Returning home from home during this non-Christmas, I didn’t. I watched a movie, only I forget which one. It was French, I know that. I also know I own it, which makes me think I should fire up the ol’ coffee pot. I read a book, too, only I forget which one again; probably because it was a magazine. Instead, I mostly spent the flight listening to the man next to me, an Asian man of thickish accent wearing a long fur coat on a more than amply heated aeroplane, continually attempt to order apple juice only to receive tomato juice every. single. time. Now that was some shtick.

But I didn’t and I haven’t and so, confession time:

I punted the end of 2010. You know this, I know this, and like the drunken relative at Christmas dinner, we’re going to pretend like it never happened and move on. Mostly I blame Guillermo, and that is all.

But I’m smiling; are you smiling? Julio’s smiling, so I’m smiling.

Santa’s a funny old fat bastard. When the end game for Christmas is to have the biggest tree on the block, which is then to be dwarfed by the biggest gifts on the block, he comes through for a second straight year down another boulevard with a new angle. In the recent past it was coal (Wilhelmsson), coal (Tavano), dime-a-dozen onyx (Diamoutene) and what appeared to be a diamond, but was really just tear-inducing coal (Motta). Last year, it was addition by audacious awesomeness (Toni); this year, it’s addition by subtraction (Wholio).

As an apologist for his talents rather than his productivity, I can count on one hand the number of times he did something real swell for this club:

Lazio
Bordeaux
Sampdoria
Torino
Sampdoria

A real bang-for-your-buck kinda feller with an efficiency ration somewhere around 0.4%. And if I were running Genoa, not only would I not be concocting my team based on Football Manager – it’s rather transparent, no? – but I would’ve offered no less than 12% stake in the team for him. Derbies and Sampdoria? Dream skill set.

There was also that goal against Genoa which made Aquilani cry. That’s all I’ve got, outside of his status as a world class corner flag time-waster. But that, of course, is a superfluous talent with The Don of corner flag time-wasting, Francesco Totti, is already on the roster.

And now he’s in Spain, which is probably better. And in the relegation zone, which is probably best.

Now if he re-remembers how to run beyond the defense, and is then found murdered in the living room of his casa with a Roma scarf around his neck, I suspect I may be the prime suspect. And rightly so.

El David

I tend to ignore rumors like the plague during midseason unless I know of something concrete, particularly this season, as at this stage of ownership transition, I know what those are – and I suspect I’m not alone. The possibilities are:

Behrami
Possible Brazilian wage dumps (~~Baptista~~, Doni, Cicinho)
“Fringe players” (Rosi, Okaka)
“Longing for fringe” players (iTunes)
.
.
.
Simone Loria

(Feels like someone’s missing.)

Adriano does not make this list because with him, we’re on a constant state of alert. It’s something like the terror color codes:

Blue/Green – Do not exist.
Yellow – We’re decent and he’ll get some PT, but don’t you dare let your guard down or remove the armed guards from in front of the refrigerator.
Orange – Slightly more out of shape than usual and there are rumblings that his pre-game IV line of Prozac has gone untouched, while his agent is fielding feelers from Flamengo.
Red – There’s an empty case of beer in his locker and he just ate a whole flamingo.

Now, did anyone actually believe Adriano would return from Brazil on time? Please. Not sure if this is correct, nor do I really care to look it up, but if I recall, the story is that his uncle fell ill, or something. Which I buy so long as you substitute “hooker” for “uncle” and add “with VD”.

Now, back to the subject at hand: El David.

I buy the reports that Zenit wants Pek because, well, come on.

I also buy them because the reported figures couldn’t be any more Russian if they’d mailed them in on Sputnik, handed over by the corpse of Lenin in rubles:

First bid: €4m
Second bid: €10m

Third bid: €170 billion?

Who negotiates with the second bid 2.5x the first? Russians, that’s who.

But does anyone really think that David’s upset at his PT or treatment? The guy’s been ridden harder than, well…see the above clip…for several years now and it bit him in the ass with injury. Everyone paying even the slightest bit of attention – do note this should include all forms of the media – knows he’s waltzing right back into the side as soon as humanly possible, and likely at the expense of DM/CB3’s form (that’s Daniele De Rossi to lay folk).

So there. David stays, Spalletti weeps and the mass media is forced to fill the pages with something else.

Also, since it wasn’t gotten to above, Aleandro Rosi, who appears on the verge of demanding his getaway, is the new Alessio Cerci, just with acceptable hair. Scarecrow 2.0. Sad that two Roman talents are felled by their Roman personalities and inability to translate it into production, but both are/were walking red cards and colossally bad decision makers. They could be named Romulus and Remus and they’d still be jettisoned from the Shewolf’s teat faster than the galactic ricochet off Julio Baptista’s size ten.

‘Tis what ’tis, though Rosi’s still got a glimmer of hope.

Underoos

i. Okaka’s headed to Bari. One of these years they’ll figure it out ahead of time and loan him in July, instead of January.

Though can you just imagine what would’ve happened without the 11th hour Borriello coup? Adriano would’ve still been injured, fat, etc. and Okakachukamuthafucka would’ve been on the tip more often than, well…see the above clip.

ii. The Mexes situation gives me head and heartache, but I suppose it’s good news that his first priority is Rome and that talks shall resume shortly.

I’m still convinced they should just give him a blank check with the sole condition he leaves his hair as it is this year, so as to ensure season upon season of world class form.

iii. Malaga may or may not be interested in also taking Cicinho’s contract.

Where has this team been all my life.

Also, it begs the question, outside of decent-ish Brazilian contracts, just what do you get Qatari royalty for Christmas? I have an inkling my basket of fruits and delectable goodies won’t do the trick, unless said fruit is Fabergé.

iv. And in important news, there’s a game on Thursday. A real game, even.

Jesus Christ that was quick.

Santa’s been good this year.

Some Related Roma Posts:

Category: Team News

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Sexicamisa10

Dani alves is a free agent in the summer(cafu 2.0)...ancelotti looks likely to leave soon.....new owner... goofy and cici leaving.....this could be the start of something beautiful.
kurdt

nice start
Katheryn Hudson

So glad to see Baptista gone. Seems as though for each Brazilian that's worth his salt we sign 3 that bring nothing to the table.

And sorry for getting off topic, but could someone point me to a good online retailer of Roma jerseys that ships to the US?
Sterling

Actually, if you have a friend in Italy who would help out, kappastore.com/uk is having a Befana Day sale for last year's jersey for 32 EUR, though the sizes veer toward large.
Sterling

Not sure if Kappa Store ships to US, but they have a decent back catalog of old jerseys going back to 08-09 (the year we'd all rather forget).
Kilo15

I just got our home jersey shortsleeves off of Amazon a couple weeks ago. It wasnt a bad price either. It was being sold by Subside sports which is legit, just google the name if you dont believe me. With shipping it came to 80 US dollars.

Also try UKSoccershop, theyre a tad more expensive but until January 9th have free shipping on all international orders which actually makes it 6 US dollars cheaper than how much I paid. Hope this helps!
Katheryn Hudson

Oh, I forgot to specify from the 2009/2010 season if they're still being sold.
Gollum

Hmmm... too bad we have fatty hogging up all the wages... I wouldn't mind a cut-rate attempt at Adebayor.
kurdt

what?
Jonas

as much as I love Ancelotti,I don't think it would be wise to bring him in and sack Ranieri in the middle of the season...just try to get to CL and have a total makeover in the summer with Anceloti and the new owners

besides,it would be harsh andnot respectful to Ranieri IMO,he did wonderful things last season and we finally seem to jump up in table (2 place and even first are not that far away after the Milan win) and there's Inter-Napoli and tough away games for Lazio and Milan tomorrow,another big chance to close the gap
romaromaroma

Yeah, I know what you mean. What you described would be the ideal scenario. Plus, Ancelotti isn't doing very good at all right now, is he? He wouldn't necessarily be great at Roma. We just don't know.
romaromaroma

Carlo Ancellotti's plot to get fired from Chelsea and take over at Roma [ :) ] is progressing nicely! Wolverhampton (20th place) 1:0 Chelsea.
Bashar_ASR

How long does Ancelotti have? I hope he lasts out the year and then joins us in the summer. :)
Jonas

Okaka and Baptista gone so our attack is set,now some cleaning up in the defensive compartment: dead weight Loria,Antunes,one of Cici/Rosi and maybe loan Burdisso jr
Giallorossi93

Isn't BurdissoJR on loan to us?
Jonas

from football italia who made a list of players who enter their last 6 months of contract and could possibly be snapped up cheap:

Andrea Barzagli, Mario Santana, Vicente, Johan Elmander, Paolo Cannavaro, Marco Di Vaio, David Suazo, Alessandro Del Piero, Simone Perrotta, ,Reto Ziegler, Nicola Legrottaglie, Dario Srna, Igor Akinfeev, Steven Pienaar, Miroslav Klose, Mark Van Bommel, Branislav Ivanovic, Urby Emanuelson and Peter Trochowski

I like both backs Emmanuelson and Srna
Bashar_ASR

Srna would be important. We need a proper RB.
ForzaRoma

I would take Barzagli or maybe even Paolo Canna if Mexes leaves
Srna is outstanding this season,but when Ivanovic is available too,I would rather see him in giallorosso
he can be the true heir of Panucci!! RB/CB who scores a lot
also no one from the rest can really help us,Vicente was world class,the only spanish player I like and my fav winger,but I guess injuries really killed his career
Jonas

how insanely cool would it be if we lured Del Piero away from Juve with a better contract? lol
Giallorossi93

Only to use him as a trophy water boy.
kurdt

or FK's training coach for Totti.
guest

Oh god, yes. 99% of Totti's Fk's hit the wall. why is he even considered for fk's?
Jonas

dear God,I just hope we don't trade Greco for Sculli! cmon,we finally got a younger midfielder (apart from DDR who is already 27,all the rest is in their 30s) plus Sculli's soon 30,this squad needs youth injections for christ sake

why not put Rosi further on the pitch instead of a possible Behrami move? besides,when Cici leaves,I think it will be pretty easy for Rosi to break into the first 11 if he keeps his cool and continues his progress,he's still 23 and that's not old at all for Italian measures...
Rudy_Roma

Finally a new post, thanks Chris.

I was starting to think you lost your fingers during new year due to fireworks or somethin'

ON:
-sell cici, doni, taddei or atleast one of them
-loan okaka to bari
-keep rosi
-extend mexes' contract
-rosella better start thinking about some decent away kits for next season
Giallorossi93

Yes I'm getting a little bit bored of the plain white. I would like to see a modernised version of the green one (4th shirt??) from 05/06

3rd Strip I would like to see a decent black one or a full orange/gold one
ForzaRoma

give Spal his beloved Pek,the reason is evident - a super strong tridente strike force doesnt really need a regista to work,this season is the proof and in fact,it requires additional hard worker in midfield to help the defense and balance the team
sell at least 2 of fucking Taddei,Cicinho or Doni
loan Okaka
keep Rosi - younger,talented,roman version of Beckhami,show him his Alianz performance so he can learn to always play like that,without emotions,I am surprised how Ranieri cant teach him that,its his style after all
keep Greco for gods sake and never mention "Roma" and "Sculli" in the same sentence again
dont buy a new goalie,seriously who needs one,when you have SuperSergio and his solid back up Lobont?
and finally,dont cry when talking about Mexes,the situation is clear: he will probably stay if the future of the club is decided soon enough,just dont say "give him all he wants,etc" please,nobody can change something now,only the arabs or whoever it is,must buy the club and then either extend his contract or buy a replacement if he still decides to leave

P.S. when is Malaga's next game? never really watched la liga before,but now I just love that team!!
AndersCaroe

Sculli would give Roma a nice advantage in the Mafia connections department.

10 m for Pizarro (an injury-plagued 31-year-old) is certainly a good offer, one I would accept. Also note that DDR usually plays better without Pizarro at his side. Simplicio and Greco can do Pek's job but in a different way.
hanif

I'd go with the selling of Pek as long as we get a better and younger regista. Thiego Alcantara, anyone?
guest

YES. or modric.
hanif

a super strong tridente strike for would definitely need a regista. Or else you have players running up and down the pitch every now and then because nobody has the capability to dictate play. Don't expect DDR or Perrotta to dictate play. Simplicio? hmm, probably. But no better example of a regista-less team than Italy in Euro2004. Totti out, Pirlo not yet instilled in to the team.
ForzaRoma

with a tridente you have to play as fast as possible,especially when considering Menez's qualities
but a regista is a traditional italian weapon for building attacks,keeping possession,dictating the play and finally finding a single error in the oppositions defense to grab a win

in other words,tridente is a risk,it means scoring more and winning it 3-2 or 4-3, not 1-0
in that case,I rather have a guy who can do the dirty work in the center and sometimes go forward to score, than a guy who keeps the ball,turns around,does it again and again,until the target man gets unmarked to receive a pass
Niccolò Adami

WHo needs one?

We need one. Julio is not that super. I don't get why some fans think that he is.
Guest

Accidental clicked "like" instead of "reply"...

Anyway, please remember the game against Brescia. My goodness. Every time I remember what he did, tears come to my eyes with pride of being Roman.
kurdt

From third choice GK became the reason we were runner up last year, I think he is.
Sor Carletto

Julio is more than good enough for this team. Doesn't commit too many howlers - except for the recent one against Chievo (I think). Not sure why everyone is on his ass this season. Not sure what you expect in a keeper - every keeper is going to make his mistakes - no one's infallible between the pipes, just a matter of keeping it to a minimum and coming up big when it matters
Niccolò Adami

I just don't like him. I don't like the way he plays, I don't trust his quality and I think that keepers are a vital position and to expect a second string guy to suffice as first tier for years is not going to work.
Toni

Julio Sergio was the best keeper in the whole of Serie A last year. If he can get rid of his injury problem Roma have a mighty fine keeper.
Lilmaffia23

truthfully my friend, when you say bertagnoli is not that super i just gotta say
"you shut your mouth when you're talking about julio!"
ForzaRoma

too bad there isnt a big review to read and enjoy
at least I will not see Boateng's ugly picture of the last post again
kurdt

What about the new owner news? They said Roma was going to be sold by Christmas, now it's new year already so we have to wait for the next Christmas, no?
Dengelke

Where is Simone? I love David, but I've always been a fan of Perrotta. Is he injured? Dead?
ForzaRoma

just recovered and almost ready
Perrotta-DDR-Simplicio
easily the best midfield line up of this season,too bad we waited so long for this,but I am sure we will see them soon
Jed

anyone else hear that the new york giants and new york jets owners are trying to combine and buy Roma?

crazy shit right there
sjRoman

too good to be true for me. I live in south jersey and the Jets/ Giants play in north jersey. I would certainly drive 2 hrs for a friendly. They have a brand new stadium. I saw the Azzurri play Ecuador in a friendly in the old stadium.
Ant

http://www.nypost.com/p/sports...
amir ny

Ant i was just gonna post the same you did. I m hoping americans do take Roma. These guys have the money to do the job. http://www.nypost.com/p/sports...
Sor Carletto

The last thing we need are Americans taking over. I doubt these 2 even have the proper financial clout to even muster a concrete offer. Honestly, I would like for us to take the modern football approach and sell the club to Sheikh. At least, that way during the transfer seasons we can talk about the likes of Bale, Cassano or Dzeko (not saying these are the players I want, just throwing some of the bigger names that are out there in the market, so relax). However, in Rome we always end up discussing the transfers of bottom feeders etc. Anyways, not saying we completely sell our souls but enough is enough - I want tricolore in Rome. We can still focus on our Youth Academy and buy top transfers etc etc - don't have to completely sellout. And let's be honest, we have to be able to compete with the other teams in this day and age.
tim

yes, i'm sure Woody Johnson doesn't have any money being great grandson of the founder of Johnson and Johnson...

The Mara family has owned the Giants since they were founded in 1925.
Sterling

I understand the fear after watching the way Liverpool has been pillaged by Hicks and Gillette, but I don't think selling it to Italians for the sake of "keeping it Italian" is a much better business decision.
masonio

So you want us to partly sell out?
Niccolò Adami

Americans have money. Roma need money.
Sor Carletto

Doesn't sound like these two parties have the "Arab money" I'm looking for. Unless a serious candidate like Larry Ellison or Sergey Brin comes rushing in, I'm not too interested in parties scraping and borrowing money to finance this deal. And yes, let's partial sell-out!
Mostafa

Where has this team been all my life.

Lmao,

Great post Chris
masonio

And here I thought I'd never have to see his face again. Thanks, Chris.

Also, about fucking time with a new blog.
Matteo [ASR]

Everyone needs some time off once in a while. (or all the time in Baptista's case).
Johnny

I thought the Brokeback Mountain clips were only for the Lazio blog.......
Sterling

Jake Gyllenhaal isn't a goat.