A Potpourri of Useless Flapdoodle

By: chris | July 19th, 2007

Chivugate:

Apparently the only guy who isn’t having so much fun at Trigoria right now is Mr. Christian Chivu. Awww, so sad. He will reportedly decide whether or not he wants to stay in Rome within 7 days. I’m sorry but when did he get to decide whether he stays or goes anymore? I love Spalletti, but I wish Bill Parcells was coaching Roma right now. Chivu would be in a dress scrubbing toilets at Trigoria with a toothbrush for the next few weeks.

Then there’s that rumor floating around that Chivu is willing to knock down his demands to €4m per annum if Inter will bump up their offer to Roma to €14m, simply in order to guarantee an exit to Milan. There are no quotes or anything, and it just looks like relatively basic speculation. It’s also only €200,000-400,000 more than Roma would’ve paid after performance incentives. I can only imagine if this is true he would become the most hated person in Rome as well as the locker room in Trigoria. That has little to do with money and simply everything to do with wanting to play for Inter. I doubt it’s true, but if it turns out there is some validity, he had better hope he gets moved out ASAP. Screw bodyguards, he’d need a police escort from Trigoria.

I assume some of that speculation might have come from the reports that Cristina Mazzoleni (the money woman) met with someone close to Chivu to try and figure out a better avenue of discussion and negotiations with him - extension or otherwise. Whatever. It doesn’t matter if he signs an extension or not, he’s going to have to do a lot to win back the respect I, and much of the Romanisti, had for him.

Also in the Chivu camp, his ex-agent was in town yesterday to discuss with Daniele Prade the current status of Carlo Zotti (supposedly), another of his clients. Which begs the question: You mean to tell me Chivu actually CHOSE the Becali brothers voluntarily? So he wasn’t a part of the great Becali monopoly currently going on in Romania? Nuck-futter. I guess this also means it could be a lot easier to get out of his contract if he really wanted to than we originally assumed. Which I still doubt, he hired them because he wants the biggest bucks, which they got him next year - whether or not it was legal I doubt he really cares.

Roman Nuggets:

I) Palermo’s resident crazy, Maurizio Zamparini, has stated that Leandro Rinaudo’s status is not being affected in any way by Andrea Barzagli. He also mentioned that Roma is a funny bunch, because they have yet to contact him regarding Rinaudo, even though he would like to sell him on a co-ownership. This probably means Prade has actually been staying on his sofa for the last week and they’re going to hack out a deal over Belgian waffles tomorrow morning.

II) Anybody else notice that Rodrigo Taddei is approaching 5 years playing in Lega Calcio and still has yet to be capped by Brazil. Nor does it look like he will, seeing as how Dunga has a full blown case of pedophilia. I wonder if Roberto Donadoni noticed this also.

Speaking of Taddei, he reportedly shaved his head over the summer. Which I would have to imagine looks much much better than the previous long hair sans any volume whatsoever. Especially that lunchlady hairnet he rocked. I can’t find any pics though, let me know if you come across any.

III) Some pictures from Trigoria. A few observations:

- Totti is starting to worry me. He crosses his eyes very often at training and I’m scared they’ll get stuck like that.

- Either Aquilaninho is standing on something or he grew like 5 inches in the last 3 weeks.

- Chivu looks thrilled to be making peanuts this year.

- Ahmed Barusso’s legs frighten me to no end. I might make a girlish yelp the first time I see him go in for a tackle. (Even Curci & De Rossi mentioned how physically impressive he is yesterday)

- Aleandro Rosi looks a little like Franky Lampard from afar. He’s also the Julio Lugo of crotch adjustments for Roma (Red Sox fans know exactly what I’m talking about).

- Max Tonetto looks like my grandfather.

III) Let’s clear this up, Gilberto Martinez is not on the roster and reportedly playing for Parma. The official site still has him listed but they also have Christian Wilhelmsson on there as well, and we all know Rosella wouldn’t do that to me. This website is very accurate in their stalkerazzi ways, and is updated much more often than the official website. As you can probably tell, he is not on the roster. And for the record, Parma’s website hasn’t been updated since June, for anyone who thinks Roma’s is just beyond deplorable.

IV) Keivan Zarineh spent extra time yesterday after practice taking balls from the wing to practice winning headers. I wonder if he’s sticking around as a body and ‘project.’ Maybe they want to mold him at least until January before any loan talk. You know, practice with the team to learn how to do things the Spalletti way before they actually send him out to play.

V) Lazio nabbed Juan Pablo Carrizo. This probably means Marco Amelia is sitting at home in the bath with a pint of mint chocolate chip listening to Celine Dion right now. You’ve got to wonder whether or not there is a reason absolutely everybody is passing him over, and why Roma let him go to begin with. I mean, when you call out fricken Lazio and they won’t bother to give you a second glance - that’s just pathetic. That’s like Zach Morris asking out Natalie from The Facts of Life and Natalie going “eh, no thanks.”

Alright, Lazio will now be officially referred to as “Natalie from The Facts of Life.” Slightly overweight, nasally, annoying and bearing braces. That about sums up Lazio right there.

VI) Franco Sensi would like to invite all the tifosi to the 80th anniversary celebration of Roma on July 26th. It’s probably an offer you shouldn’t refuse.

VIII) Anybody else think that Julien Faubert would walk to Rome for a contract right now? Oh wait, he can’t walk. He ruptured his Achilles and is out for 6 months minimum. D’oh!

The Flapness:

I) Your gratuitous cheesy 1980’s soundtrack for the flapdoodle. I’m sure a few of you will thank me later when singing this song all day. Fellas, have somebody give you a swift kick in the manhood to hit those falsettos.

Fine Young Cannibals-She Drives Me Crazy
Uploaded by hakim93200

II) It’s time to dig deep for those analytical abilities, because we’re about to systematically breakdown Scott Baio’s IMDb bio page, which could go down as one of the most morbidly awesome bios in the history of IMDb:

i) Dated Pamela Anderson, Erika Eleniak, Nicole Eggert, Natalie Raitano, Nicollette Sheridan, Brooke Shields and Heather Locklear.

* - That might be the greatest accumulation of C-list actresses in the history of celebrity dating. It’s like the Murders Row of 1990’s blond bimbos. All have been on crappy TV shows, most of them involving the first on the list: Batywatch, Chucky in Charge, V.I.P. Desperate Housewives, Suddenly Susan and Spin City. Holy Christ. And most probably dated Scotty at the absolute lowest moment in their lives. I think it’s safe to say Scott Baio is the Bobo Vieri of 1980’s sitcoms.

But let me just clear this up: Teenage Brooke Shields may go down as one of the Top 5 Hottest Chicks Ever (not the best pic, not many options). Which would also put her in the list of the Top 5 Smokin’ Hot Teenagers Who Developed Man-Like Features Over The Years And Now Make You Question Your Own Sexuality.

ii) He was offered the role of Maverick in Top Gun (1986). He declined.

* - 1980’s cheesy Tom Cruise action movie set to a Kenny Loggins soundtrack? Are you kidding me? That’s a sure thing. Like sorority girl sure thing.

(I kid because I love….)

iii) Cousin of actor Jimmy Baio and Joey Baio.

* - Words cannot express the delight that brought me. Big up Brooklyn!

And may I just say that I am completely offended by the stereotype that New Yorkers and New Jersey-ans have given to the rest of Italian-Americans. I’m tired of people thinking it’s a gold-star achievement that I can spell my own name.

iv) False rumors abounded that Scott had been killed in a car crash. Nothing was ever confirmed as to how the story got started. Scott had not even been in an accident, much less hurt. [18 December 1997]

* - I’m going to go ahead and guess his agent made that one up because the vultures were circling around his career and he was in desperate need of some publicity. It’s a good thing he came back with Scott Baio is 45 and Single ten years later, or we might have started to consider him a has-been.

Yes, I realize I just alienated my NY, NJ and sorority demographic. I also realize that any sorority girls from the tri-state area are probably ready to hunt me down and beat me with a baseball bat. But I’m alright with it.

III) I’m not trying to give any more crap to Anthony Revelliere here, but we need to revisit those epic stepovers for a minute. But not actually the stepovers, where is the credit to Marco Cassetti for that insane ball from the right flank at the half line to the front of the left-hand side of Lyon’s box? Obviously he got a cheeky bounce but that was still a phenomenal long ball. Ooh la la.

And while we’re revisiting Mancini moments, we must show the “Back-Heel of God.” God I can’t wait for the derby. (Capello looks thrilled)

Amantino! Amantino! Amantino! Amantino!

IV) I’ll preface this by saying I’m not a fan of pageants, especially the variety that includes girls under the age of 14 - they’re just wrong in more ways than I can count. However, AJ reminded me about one picture I had seen way back in the day involving a girl named Shandi (not a bimbo at all, nope) from a little gameshow called Lingo!, involving the creepiest man alive, Chuck Woolery. I’m just using this as a forum to show I don’t discriminate against anyone, even American girls. Enjoy.

V) Zlatan’s Corner

Quote of the week:

“What Carew does with a ball, I can do with an orange” Zlatans warms up the trash talk before a friendly game against Norway.

These quotes are starting to run dry. Unfortunately he doesn’t do many interviews so we’re going to need to figure out something to do for the quotes section. Hopefully the upcoming season will provide a plethora of Zlatan-style.

Between the production, the music (big Muse fan here), and the skill - easily the best Zlatan video yet. Not involving a Mortal Kombat soundtrack, of course.

VI) Zlatan finally has a rival for his quotations. Holy Moses.

“When I was born, God pointed at me and said “That’s the man!”

Congratulations, I now like you as much as cancer.

VII) Just exactly the athlete America wants to have as an ambassador to Italy. Why don’t we get Ron Artest and Stephen Jackson to serve their 7 game suspensions there as well?

VIII) Your gratuitous Eastern European model who could probably stand to eat a sandwich of the week.

* - I know next to nothing about skin tones or maintenance or beauty maintenance whatsoever for that matter. In fact, I’m so low maintenance that shaving twice a week is a big victory for me. But if that skin in the first picture isn’t photoshopped, then she must be sweating from the depths of the fountain of youth. Ladies? Ruling?

IX) Alex Del Piero is my new favorite commercial actor. The wave. Perfection.

* - Anybody else notice those ‘Impossible is Nothing’ ads are getting more and more possible. Like the pitchmen they’re getting now are athletes like David Beckham and Kevin Garnett. I’m sorry but what’s so impossible about being a freakishly talented athlete that has been touted for greatness since the second trimester, one that the world adores and makes Scrooge McDuck money. Cut off a leg, get an incurable degenerative disorder or have a transplant or two - then get back to me.

X) Quote to end up on a high note:

Peter Osgood: When I was with the England World Cup squad in 1970 I heard a tale about Liverpool’s goalkeeper Tommy Lawrence who was known throughout the game as the “flying pig. A huge man to say the least. During a derby game with Everton at Goodison the score was 0-0 with a minute to go. One of the Everton players broke clear and tried a hopeful shot that Lawrence should have had no difficulty with but the ball bounced through his legs and into the net….probably because he was so fat he couldn’t close his legs. In the dressing room after the match Bill Shankly was pacing the floor. Tommy Smith said: “I know boss, I should have kept my legs closed” Shankly replied: “No Tommy, It’s your mother who should have kept her legs closed!”

* - I’ll be back Monday with the GHD and whatever happens with Roma over the weekend. Enjoy.