First of all the breaking news coming from England that Roma thrown themselves in the middle of what seemed to be a done deal between Middlesbrough and Heerenveen for goalscoring phenomenon Afonso Alves. Honestly, I’m stunned. Absolutely stunned. This does not seem like a Roma move or an astute buy whatsoever – if these rumors are in fact true. However, in the short time I’ve been doing the offside gig, I’ve found much of the Dutch media to be highly credible when it comes to this sort of thing.

* – Also, the huge key is that Boro and Heerenveen haven’t actually come to terms, as everyone seems to think. It’s just Boro and Alves. Heerenveen has still yet to accept their offer, which is the side that really matters.

Boro have supposedly launched a bid of between ₤12-14m, which translates to roughly €16-18.5m. For a 26 year old guy who has proven absolutely nothing outside of Sweden or the Eredivisie, which isn’t exactly known for its defensive prowess (and that’s an understatement). I don’t get it. Maybe Spal sees something in this guy. Or maybe, just maybe, this is that mercato move which The Grand Imperial Poobah feels can take this team over the top throughout the spring….

We all know the one thing this team lacks is finishing, finishing and more finishing. (And a true vice-Tonetto, but with Cassetti, that seems pretty alright at the moment.) Alves’ one overwhelming skill is just that. He’s not the poster child for the prototypical athlete like Kaka or Ronaldinho. He’s just a pure goal scorer. Whether they come from the run of play, the spot, or free kicks. He finds the net.

07/08: 9gp, 11 goals
06/07: 31gp, 34 goals

(* – 7 of this year’s 11 came in one game.)

The funny part is I did a little write up on the main page yesterday about this very deal and kept thinking, “wow, for a guy who scores more than a goal a game in a league which isn’t terrible, the fact that he’s only being bought by feckin’ Middlesbrough really says something”. Well, enter Roma. And if I’m correct, Chelsea had some mild interest this summer. Who the hell knows.

So here’s the thing: if he’s a bust, he’d be one of the most expensive busts in Roman history. However, if he isn’t, and this is the key, he becomes the final piece on a team which can run through any squad in Europe. If he starts scoring like he scores in the Eredivisie – hell, even if he halves his goal/game total we’re still looking at a stellar total – then this becomes an unbelievable buy. Heerenveen may score an assload of goals, but they don’t create the high quality chances against the same competition that Roma does week in, week out. Alves has never seen this type of service. Lord knows what that could do.

I guess if Roma is going to pip Boro it’ll probably require between €18-20m. Or…or…a loan with an absolutely absurd buyout clause in the summer. Maybe €22-25m? Whatever it is it won’t be cheap.

Personally, I don’t know how I feel about this. I’ve heard nothing but bad things about Alves’ personality/demeanor, and just last month he signed a deal with AZ Alkmaar without the consent of Heerenveen, which likely means he’ll be owing AZ some sort of cash dollars. Heard he’s incredibly selfish and his goals have gone to his head. How well do you think that’d go over with Francesco?

I dunno. I’m still pretty stunned. However, if he is in fact legit, then this becomes a no-brainer. He would be the missing piece. Though I have no idea where he’d play……but I assume if TGIP, Rosella & Co. are ready to splash that much scrilla, they know what they’re doing and have a plan in mind. (I have an idea, but I’m not ready to say it out loud.)

And I think Josh summed it up best when he said (also, thanks for Josh for pointing out what I surely would’ve missed until the morning):

“Making that caliber of a purchase would certainly make a statement about our intentions THIS season.”

Without question this would be a purchase and a statement. We’ll see what turns up.

(But I’d still prefer Mario Gomez.)

* – And we totally should’ve seen this coming. It’s not a true mercato without some Roman drama.

YouTubers:

All 34 goals.:

(We really need to do something about this Coldplay on highlight reels shit. Totally uncalled for. This ain’t tennis.)

7 goals in one game.:

Everybody Out…Now

We know about Ahmed Barusso’s 6 month loan to Galatasaray, and the gift that Ajax gave Roma for taking Samsam Kuffour of their hands. The two biggest names heading into the month, Amantino Amantino and Matteo Ferrari, haven’t even been linked anywhere aside from Sven-Goran Fucktard’s acute bout of transfer Tourette’s a little while back. So that’s at least some good news.

It appears today/tomorrow will finally usher in (or out) the deals for Marco Andreolli and Mauro Esposito. Quick breakdown.

Andreolli.: Brescia have excused themselves from the race despite selling half their roster to Napoli over the last week. That leaves Chievo and Genoa, and quite frankly, I’d prefer to see him in Chievo, under the assumption that he’d see more playing time there (read: any). Which obviously means the rumor is he’s headed to Genoa. Obviously. (They never do what I want. Whatever.) Just as long as the kid sees some decent playing time and manages not to die again before le buste.

Espo.: Cagliari has reportedly sold his half to Napoli, which spells you know what. I don’t understand his tenure one bit – after all, we had to sit through a shittastic 5 months of play from Christian Wilhelmsson on the right wing. There’s no way in hell Espo could be any worse, right?

Watching Espo miss the goal in his 6 minute cameos was much more delightful than watching Chippen try to dribble past a defender, get stuffed and then throw his arms up in the air. Though the comedic value of watching Spal seethe on the sidelines while he put on his act may have redeemed him (nah).

Anyway, I don’t know what to think of his time in Rome and I don’t know what to think of this. It appears like he’s gone, but one never knows with just less than a full 24 on the clock. Lord knows Rosella doesn’t have “deadline” in her vocabulary.

* – The Alves thing threw me into a loop. I haven’t heard anything else about other rumors so I’ll get back on the grind in the morning.

Good stuff. Sure as hell was a lot less exciting than the second leg against the Granata, though. Anyway, I’ve had my fill of Torino and Sampdoria to last me until next season and beyond. So we’re moving on. Today we will find out the opponent who will succumb to the wrath that is CoppaRoma in the semifinals. Udinese has a 3-2 lead, but Catania has those two away goals, and they are definitely a team which plays its best footy at home (5-3-2 in Sicily, 0-5-5 away – numbers speak volumes). As nice as it would be to play Catania, whose number Roma clearly owns, I’ve gotta say I’d rather see Udinese simply for the matchup factor. I really enjoyed the first game, even though Roma played like arse after they got the man advantage, and think it could provide some beautiful calcio over two legs – not to mention that Roma would go in with the edge anyway. That said, I think Catania goes in by the hair on their chin with a 2-1 victory on the island today. Fine by me. Who’s up for some 9-0 aggregate?

Amantino

I’ll admit that I’m guilty of sometimes falling in love with shiny new things. But I’ll just say this:

Sign him. Smash the cap. Do whatever. Sign him. The end.

Mercato

In all honesty, I haven’t seen a decent rumor since roughly the first weekend of the month. And the supposedly legitimate ones I have seen have made me want to poke my eye out with a dirty needle (I’m looking at you, Andrea Caracciolo). The biggest deals of the mercato appear like they’re going to be the loan of Ahmed Barusso (yipee) and the release of the albatross that is Samuel Kuffour. I’m sure Samsam isn’t that terrible of a guy, but when Livorno, LIVORNO (no offense to Marco), won’t take you back because you’re supposedly a lazyass who couldn’t give a shit, well, you go immediately to my shitlist. (That and I’m not happy that he’s making about 1.5m when I’ve seen as much pitch time as he has this season, and probably contributed more to the betterment of the club than SK. I’m at least whining about referees while he’s getting dribbled by Carlo Zotti on Field C.)

* – By the way, SammiK’s agent is denying that a deal is done despite this, an official announcement from Ajax. Fret not, Giallorossi faithful. If he tries to stay I’ll fly to Rome by tomorrow night, kick his ass from pillar to post and personally drag him the hundreds of miles to the doorstep of Amsterdam ArenA. You’re welcome.

I can’t convey how disappointed I was that TGIP didn’t in fact broker a deal with Wally Mazz yesterday near the touchline to send Gilu on loan to Genoa. He managed to injure himself sitting between the goal mouth, doing god knows what. I suppose that kills any sliver of hope there was that he’d get loaned out before the mercato is up tomorrow evening. So the next best chance we have of seeing him get some PT is if either Doni goes down, or both Gigi and Amelia get Nancy Kerriganed in Swissaustria by Gilu’s agent before the games start. Which, well, yeah. That wouldn’t be good. (As of the posting of this here post, there is no news of said injury.)

Roma officially signed two Romanian youth products, supposedly for “free”, from a guy who was put under investigation in a widespread corruption probe into Romanian football dealings last week. Jeeeeeeeeeeesus……………

(I’m not touching that one with a ten foot pole. I don’t care how good they are, I say cut ‘em right fucking now.)

Andreolli

Apparently the club is going to loan him as well, what with 72 RBs on la rosa who can slot into the middle of the back line at a moment’s notice (and Daniele Prade spending each game jogging in place in the Olimpico tunnel in skimpy track shorts and a headband waiting for a summons from The Grand Imperial Poobah). His agent says that there has been interest from Genoa, Chievo and Brescia, and a decision will likely be made today where he goes. Wonderful, here’s the part I found quite delectable:

“Sicuramente non tornerà all’Inter. Con i nerazzurri è una storia chiusa.”

Says he will not return to Inter. He may mean now, but we can dream that he means for good, and that perhaps a deal behind the scenes has already been worked out. (Yes, that’s wishful thinking. I think. Still haven’t seen him play so, uh, yeah. I think.)

Anywho, I’m all for the loan, but the question becomes not which club he should to advance and progress, but who has the best medical staff?

Mr. White

Talk about a great nonmove. Check out this video of his 6 minute debut, which is just enough to make my day. Hope he enjoys the trek down to Serie B:

And this video is just the cherry on top of the sundae. Brilliance from the Torino fans:

And “lyrics”…..

sei andato a cena con lilo foti..
ed era un tavolo formato da 3 idioti
rolando bianchi sei un travestito
lhai preso in culo da quel frocio di lotito
sei andato in campo,hai fatto il grosso
e in 6 minuti hai preso il cartellino rosso
la tua tifosa piu sfegatata
è quella vacca di suor paola sfracicata
sotto la doccia..su le ginocchia
l’hai preso in bocca da quel vecchio di ballotta
perdi il sapone e non lo sai
che dietro il culo puoi trovarci mudingayi
e lazio merda lazio lazio merda

Nothing makes a day like a good Lazie-bashing song. (I don’t laugh out loud. I laughed out loud when I watched that.)

Marco Zambelli

Oh ye who post rumors here religiously apparently missed this juicy nugget (finally, I get to post an original rumor before anyone else): Roma has reportedly (via Corriere dello Sport) picked up the first option on….now sit down for this….a right back. Because it’s not like they have Christian Panucci, Marco Cassetti and Cicinho or anything. And it’s not like Aleandro Rosi, who clearly has some serious quality about him (and I still can’t believe he’s 20, it feels like he’s been around 5-6 years), is on the payroll down in Serie B with the yellow donkeys. Is anyone starting to believe Spalletti has a serious hard on for right sided defenders? (He was a mid back in the day, right? Central mid?)

So who is Marco Zambelli? I haven’t the faintest – the name just doesn’t ring a bell. But according to the Italian wikipedia he’s a 22 yo no-nonsense kind of defender and well respected. However, my favorite nugget on him is that he’s been linked to Inter, along with superstud keeper prospect Emiliano Viviano, and when asked about the rumor, Brescia’s prez said…

“Inter? Impossible. Zambelli and Viviano are Italian…”

Classic. Just classic.

Anyway, I’ll see if I can find out much more on this kid. May have to check out a Brescia game or two.

Siena

Just a little reminder so that you guys can lower your expectations accordingly: Roma is traveling to Tuscany this weekend. You know what that means. (And Siena has been playing relatively well lately. Booo.) We’ll now be accepting any suggestions on voodoo, sorcery, black magic, herbal remedies, STD creams or whatever else to try and break this curse.

* – Mercato stuffs tonight before the final hammer comes down on transfers for 07/08. Back in the saddle again.

This is one of those rumors that you look at and say immediately “no, it can’t be”. Then you realize the source has a url which ends in “.co.uk”, which means it’s a product of the British media, and is therefore probably complete shyte (I immediately throw anything out coming from that area unless it a) goes along with what I want to happen, or b) from the Times, which has shown me some love – and occasionally the Guardian, but only choice writers).

But then, when the name of team pops up, Manchester Citeh, you realize “hey, they’ve been willing to spend a tonjust to be considered among the big boys”, so it becomes “well, maybe…”. Anyway, I half believe this rumor, but the wording from nearly every publication has caused more confusion than anything else. The number seems to be the same, £16m, but it’s the “plus Rolando Bianchi” which has caused the most confusion. So is it £16m (€21.5m) plus Bianchi? Or is Bianchi’s value a part of that £16m valuation? Big difference, as far as I’m concerned. Although both deals which would require a good looking over (actually one would just be more of a “skim”). So here’s the full text, you judge:

Sven Goran Eriksson has returned to Serie A with a £16million bid for Roma winger Amantino Mancini, according to the Italian club.

And unsettled striker Rolando Bianchi, bought last summer for £8.8m from Reggina, could also be included in the deal.

Eriksson, the former manager of Sampdoria and Lazio, has been promised money to spend at Manchester City in the January market to keep up their challenge for a Champions League place.

Roma rejected interest from Liverpool and Lyon last summer in the 27-year-old Brazilian international.
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But he has failed to recapture his stunning form of last season, when he scored a wonder goal against the French side in the Champions League, and has not renewed a deal which expires in 2009.
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If it’s £16m PLUS Bianchi. Holy crap, where do I sign? That’s like watching a drunken Victoria’s Secret model get undressed in front of you and thinking “oh god she would totally regret this…..WHY CAN’T I GET MY GODDAMN ZIPPER DOWN”. Seriously. Yes. Please.

I love Mancini. But his form hasn’t been exactly making grown men cry and women fawn for his glory, and the contract thing doesn’t help. For somebody so inconsistent, that’s a helluva package, with probably what he’s worth just in straight cash, as well as a studly young striker, a decently sized one to boot, and just what Roma is looking for.

If Bianchi is part of that £16m valuation, I’d say it depends on how much cash is coming back. If it’s the price he was bought for last summer (£8.8m) – which I doubt it is, he hasn’t exactly been earning that fee with a whole 4 goals in 17 games this year – we’d be talking roughly €10m plus Bianchi. Which, I suppose, is pretty damn good considering Mancini’s form. But how good is it compared to what other teams, like Real Madrid for instance, would be willing to pay. Going by track record and that fact that they’ve had a neverending proverbial hard on for Mancini’s stepovers since his childhood, Real would probably we willing to sign over co-ownership of the Bernabeu in return. If this is the case, I guess we’d be talking about €12-15m plus Bianchi.

Even though Sven-Goren Fucktard brought in tons of reinforcements over the summer, it’s not like he asked his Thai dictator to pay wayabove market value for certain guys. Elano looks like a bargain, Bojinov was had for a under Fiorentina’s supposed minimum, Petrov was probably around market value, Castillo just came in on loan, of all things, and Fernandes is supposed to be a complete farkin stud. Which makes me think we’d be looking at the second scenario, rather than a slightly misguided supermodel. (Then there’s the possibility Bianchi would just be a loan, which is also reasonable thinking.)

Either way, considering the circumstances, and as long as the cash is decent, I think you do both deals if no one wants to top it. That cash could be reinvested for a guy like Tranquillo Barnetta or a LWB and you’d still have a young stud to throw in as a backup for either Totti or Vuci, depending on how the depth chart shakes up.

The other key here is the rumors that Spal is willing to switch up to a 3-5-2 with wingbacks next season, if not sooner, which would almost definitely spell doom for Mancini. Not because he can’t play defense (he’s not wonderful, but he was a RB at one point), but because I’m pretty sure that wingback on the left is going to have to have a pretty decent workrate getting back. And you can’t defend with stepovers. (Though I’d be more than willing to see him try.) And, if they are looking to work in a 2 striker option, Spal’s going to need more and he’s going to need good, a couple of roles which Rolando can fill.

Minus Bianchi? I’ll keep it simple: I don’t think £16m sweetens the pot enough, unless Roma is determined to unload Amantino in January, which I don’t think they are.

The Whiteness

I like Bianchi. I actually like him a lot. Despite the relative strange spike at age 24, he was considered a superstud and it’s not like it was totally unexpected. He’s tall, can get into space, get his body parts on the ball, with some decent ground work and does know how to score some goals in Serie A. While he’s not exactly an ideal person to put in the stands, at least from his angle, the guy would be a helluva backup if Mirko is phased over to the left-wing, and especially if we’re looking at a two striker system one of these days.

Who knows what’s going on in Manchester. I saw his debut and he seemed like a real consistent threat, and scored a whole 18 minutes in. (Then I realized I needed to take a shower for watching a Sven coached game and have ceased watching Citeh since.) He changes his mind every 12 seconds about where he wants to be. Including one of my favorite interviews of the season so far, somehow weaving Atletico Madrid and British cuisine. Genius:

“I hope to score at least 10 Premier League goals and I want to win a place in the Champions League,” said Bianchi. “Then I’ll pack my bags again and go in search of new adventures. I’d like to wear the shirt of Atletico Madrid and score 15 goals in the Primera Liga.

I have raised the white flag with English food. I don’t like it. And I think I must be the only teetotal player in the Premier League. My team-mates were surprised when I refused a beer. They looked at me as if I were an alien.”

You know what, screw Roma. I need Bianchi. Here, at the offside. We don’t have somebody providing a smorgasbord of quotable quotations on any regular basis in Rome. I need some Bianchi.

The goals for Reggina:

The Grand Imperial Poohbah Speaks

And loudly…

“It shouldn’t be taken for granted that Mancini will leave,” the Tuscan boss maintained.

“I have never listened to the rumours that Mancini will leave. It’s much more likely that he will stay and that is our main hope.

“He is a great player and he is still improving. He has such promise and he could be so useful to any team.”

Well, that’s a far cry from the “as long as I’m here, Mancini will never leave” we heard a month ago. Which now sounds a lot more like negotiation tactics and posturing than anything else.

I’d give this a Jessica Simpson on the feasibility scale and on the likehood. Can’t really say how legitimate it is, but if so, all are offers Roma would seriously have to consider, no matter how much Spal would like to keep Amantino’s inconsistencies.

* – More stuffs laterer.

So, I’m not sure where they got all these names besides the ever accurate “reports in Italy”. Nor do I have any idea how valid or feasible the reports are. Well, I have an idea, and the word “bullshit” comes to mind. But we’ll run with it anyway. Because there’s nothing better going on.

And no, none of them have any quotes or anything legitimate to back them up. But legitimacy is overrated as far as I’m concerned.


Paris Hilton.: The sure thing, deal imminent.
Lindsay Lohan.: The 95%, final details in the works.
Pussycat Dolls.: Very likely, things are heading towards Paris.
Fergie.: Looks alright, but don’t touch it.
Mariah Carey.: All types of insane. Doesn’t even look good.
Jessica Simpson.: The 50/50.
Jamie Murray.: Just below the 50/50, might happen, but most likely will not.
Elisha Cuthbert.: A tough sell, but the right offer could seal the deal.
Ali Larter.: Very unlikely now, but come back a little bit down the line.
Keira Knightley.: Almost impossible. Almost.
Jessica Alba.: Pure fantacalcio.

Bundesliga Boys.:

Tranquillo Barnetta LW (Bayer Leverkusen): Not the first time we’ve heard the name, can almost guarantee it won’t be the last either. And while there is one ginormous factor which makes it appear to be topically legitimate, in the same token it could be a reason to suspect it pure media fabrication (never!). That factor being oldboy Rudi Voller, of course. Head cheese of something up in Leverkusen.

Kid’s legit. Don’t know how else to say it. Has pace, a little bit of trickery and can shoot a pretty damn decent ball. Considering his ability to switch flanks, the fact that his parents are Italian, the Rudi Factor…you have to put this kid high up on the list.

Personally, I’d love to see this kid wearing red & yellow. He’s a notch below ideal in terms of tactics (as big of a dickhead as he is, were we to create the prototypical wing for this system it’s gotta be Mutu), but would be a hell of an asset, both off the bench and as a starter. Can inject some late game space for Mancini’s weekly substitution or fill in as a full time starter. My greatest hesitation is: how bad does Roma want a player of his caliber right now? Because if they’re looking for a stud who could present significant value, he’s gotta be high up on the list. The Toss Up question which could determine everything. SSR: Jessica Simpson

Mario Gomez ST (Stuttgart): I swear, every time I look at him I can’t believe he’s 22. He looks like a fully-matured man approaching 30, especially his torso and very broad shoulders. And he’s really not that tall. (190cm – tall? Yes. That tall? No.) But he is a beast of a player and prospect – ditto for his pricetag. The easiest way to sum him up is this: Despite missing serious time last season with torn ligaments and a broken hand (on the same freakin play – well, once he hurt his knee he punched the medic box…oops), he was voted the German Player of the Year for 2007 – which encompasses both the Bundesliga and German players abroad. That’s ricockulous. List of the recent winners:

2007 Mario Gomez VfB Stuttgart
2006 Miroslav Klose SV Werder Bremen
2005 Michael Ballack FC Bayern München
2004 Ailton Gonçalves da Silva SV Werder Bremen
2003 Michael Ballack FC Bayern München
2002 Michael Ballack Bayer Leverkusen
2001 Oliver Kahn FC Bayern München
2000 Oliver Kahn FC Bayern München
1999 Lothar Matthäus FC Bayern München
1998 Oliver Bierhoff Udinese Calcio

Not bad, yeah? His pricetag will be dictated accordingly. I’d venture to guess he’d be more of a summer consideration (cup tied), and Roma will have to start flashing some serious cash to even get Stuttgart to listen. I hope we see a lot more of these rumors, but I won’t count on it until the summer. Roma can afford him, I just don’t know if they’ll be able to ward off Chelsea and Real when the time comes. SSR: Keira

* – I also suspect something would have to change tactically should he come aboard. That’s fine, he’s worth it. 14g in 22 last year, 7 in 11 so far this year. Kid’s 22.

The Brazilians In Germany, Oh Glory Be.:

Gilberto MF/LB (Hertha Berlin): Versatile option which we’ve been seeing since the summer, which leads me to believe two things: Either TGIP really wants him or the media is just regurgitating rumors again. I’d buy either. He would be a quality vice-Tonetto, for a price which would probably appease the people who write that checks (that’s you, Rosella). I suspect this is a legitimate option, although maybe not a first choice. SSR: Elisha Cuthbert

Lucio CB (Bayern Munich): You know what, I’m beginning to believe his name will be stenciled (or ironed) on one of these days. Could be this month or it could be in the summer. He’d fit in well as a third option and is certainly a better defender than Matteo Ferrari, and one who probably doesn’t wear those gawdawful black boots (it looks like he’s wearing anvils, which makes me even less confident in him than my already “hovering around bedrock” levels – thanks, Matteo). Kinda like Juan: An option who would do well in the league and probably come at a good value (6-8m). Basically, a cute first date who you wake up next to and doesn’t drop the dreaded 3 words or “so are we together now?”….and then makes nasty tackles while walking down the street. (He makes sense. He wants Italy. Roma wanted him at one point. I see this as highly possible.) SSR: Pussycat Doll

The Run of the Mill Brazilians.:

Amauri ST (Palermo): The textbook case of a player going from vastly underrated to completely overrated overnight. He is very good. But he is no Messiah. He is not worth 30m. Nor is he worth the 6m per annum that has been reported. This is a case of every other team in the world being priced out by a person who would pay 20 for a pack of gum as long as it was Brazilian (I’m looking at you, Silvio). Roma isn’t coughing up that much scrilla, and smartly so. SSR: Fergie

* – Amauri is going to shatter the record for “Guy who causes the most ruckus who STILL can’t get a @#$%ing call up for his national team”. Basically, if Vagner Love is getting called up over Amauri, and Zampa still wants 30m, you have your answer right there.

Fred ST (Lyon): Nope. If Spalletti thought he was capable of playing more than a backup role in the system he would’ve bought him in June. Another in the case of fragile ego who can just as easily disrupt the team chemistry as he can score goals. It made more sense in the summer when Mirko wasn’t a sure thing. Now, not so much. SSR: Beyonce

Gilberto Silva CM (Arsenal): Really? Did someone in the press not get the memo there’s another Brazilian midfielder named Gilberto, who just so happens to be a legitimate Roma target, in Europe? And that GS is looking for PT, which isn’t exactly running around naked waiting for someone to take it in Roma’s central midfield at the moment? Come. On. People. This isn’t rocket science.

Paolo Assuncao CM (Porto): Alright, it’s getting hard to ignore all these midfielder rumors. Where are they coming from and why are they here? Is something going to change tactically or personnel-wise? Has Spalletti been conferring with The Don and is getting ready to unleash the first 5 man central midfield in the history of non-Nerazzuri calcio? I’m befuddled.

I can see Barusso leaving on loan. I can’t really see Matteo Brighi going anywhere – too valuable for his price. DDR and King Alberto are here for life…..so that leaves David. Either that or King Berto is more hurt than anyone is letting on and I’m going to have to be committed to an asylum. Why is that every time the central midfield gets brought up I feel like someone just ran over my dog? Christ. Could we get healthy KA. Please?

I really don’t get this rumor one bit. Other than the fact that he can Samba, how does he fit in? I’m beginning to think just being able to Samba is enough of a qualification in itself. SSR: Mariah Carey

Juan LB (Flamengo): Formerly of Arsene Wenger’s stable, which usually says quite a bit. Other than that, I know absolutely nothing about him other than the fact that he might make Ludovic and David feel like giants. Could we get some average sized people in here please? This is a professional sports team after all. Not that the oompa loompas can’t get the job done, but a dose of physical stature could go a long ways. Yeesh. SSR: Uhhh…uhhh….no idea.

Nilmar ST (Internacional): I think we may need legal representation just to report this rumor. His transfer between Corinthians and Lyon was a Philou-esque mess, and it appears he may have had his dirty little hands in the whole thing.

Anywho, this kid is a Phenom. PHEEEEENOOOOM. He was born to have a ball at his feet. Just like every other rumor here, I have no clue. He hasn’t played much recently due to an injury, and I can imagine a few teams are wary of him. Which could mean his price is more than acceptable, and he’d certainly be ready to come in and do all those Brazilian things they do at Roma. I don’t know, but this is the type of guy who could make you feel like an exceptional idiot in a few years if you don’t pounce now. SSR: Ali Larter

* – It’s really hard to judge people by YouTuber clips, but having seen him quite a few times in regular games (to the extent where I started making it a point to watch him play), he is this good. It would be an idiotic move to let this kid pass by. Even if he flops.

Daniel Carvalho AM (CSKA Moscow): Just you wait. Just you @#$%ing wait…..

What is it, January 3rd/4th? I’m sick of the mercato already.

From just this roundup, my wishlist:

1. Mario Gomez – The supermodel you have next to no chance with, but maybe she falls in love and you get lucky. (Or some shit like that.)
2. Nilmar – The sexy pick.
3. Tranquillo Barnetta – He’s the girl you marry.
4. Lucio – Defenders are so lame, but useful. Like a scooter. (A shiny red scooter, at least.)
5. Amauri – I’ve decided I don’t want to have to deal with the hype. But with a gun to my head…
6. Gilberto – Versatility is the name of the game, except when it comes to gender. Write that down.
7. Juan – I heart midgets. Just not that much.
8. Fred – The eventual restraining order.

* – Title could use an explanation. Back in practice/training we used to run by and through a race track which contained some horse stables. One day I was having a particularly rotten day, I took the long way and ran through the stable – when I’m in a bad mood I make things more difficult on myself, I’m sure there’s some self-loathing angle in there a shrink would have a field day with – and one of the bays contained a horse named “A Toast For Melba”, a name which for some odd reason brought a smile to my face. Just a great name. So now melba toast is my little euphemism for smiles (I’ve come to the realization I need my own dictionary for all of you, how this many people have stuck around – giving the illusion I’m somewhat readable – is a huge mystery to me). Anybody else feeling slightly less secure in their manhood by naming smiles after a blade of toast? Good. Moving on.

So bring on some smiles. Some nice acquisitions. And some juicy rumors with which to whet our appetite and warm the cockles of our cockles throughout the cold month of January.

Shopping List

I’ll start out by saying I think Bruno Conti is full of manure (regarding that whoe “market is closed” thing. They made two acquisitions, and almost a third, after he said they were “done”, except for the possibility of a vice-Tonetto, in the summer. And even without a similar statement in the summer, the bonanza of rumors floating around – created by the wonderful staff of aspiring fiction writers being hired en masse by The Media – would make Bruno’s words hard to believe anyway.

So we go from relying on legends and future legends like Francesco Totti, Daniele De Rossi and Luciano Spalletti to relying on……..Rosella. Talk about lowering your standards. That’s like dating nothing but supermodels one week to setting the bar at women under 300 pounds with at least one tooth and a pre-school(ish) education. (We just eliminated the entire state of Alabama.)

The summer was a fairly good period, even though it’s clear Spalletti is like a toddler with toys. He wants whatever he sees. When he finally gets it (after months of layaway payments), he decides he only likes his favorites and he sticks the rest in his toy box waiting for a sibling to come along and take his hand-me-downs.

What the MENSA crew of Rosella, Daniele, Bruno & Co. did on far-from-Scrooge-McDuck funds was pretty solid and has really gone a long way in helping the team. So I have some faith that they’re still evolving and whatever is going on behind the scenes will do nothing but help the team in the spring and future. (This is the part where we all say 7 rosaries and donate 87% of our monthly incomes to the church.)

Big question is Mancini. I don’t have an answer for that. I’m not even sure Mancini has an answer for Mancini. I tend to believe TGIP and Bruno when they say Mancini won’t be sold during January. Despite his craptastically inconsistent form, bringing in a replacement could provide more questions than Mancini. Fitting in with the squad is one thing, as talent can mean nothing on a system-oriented team. Another is Champions League eligibility. But it does seem like the Mancini situation is far from a distraction to the team and that supercedes nearly everything during the year. There will be some massive post on the ins and outs of Mancini’s psyche, dating life and fetishes at some point soon. So duck.

As far as the list goes, here’s my take on the wish list Spal handed over to Rosella:

1. 2nd/3rd striker, one who can preferably get on some of the rides at the local carnival. Mirko may see a lot more time on the left soon, which is a consideration as far as a backup striker goes. In my book there’s a big difference between a backup and 3rd option. A targetman would be best, and I suspect that’s exactly what they’ll be looking for.

2. Vice-Tonetto. Still doubt iTunes is looked upon highly enough to make it into TGIP’s barb-wire enclosed, rottweiler-guarded Circle of Trust*. Names like Francesco Modesto are going to get brought up again, and even though Roma has 3 RBs with a couple who can switch sides, this would not surprise me in the least.

* – Spal’s Circle of Trust. What everyone aspires to but only the chosen few are allowed to enter. On the outside looking in right now are: Cicinho, Espo, Barusso, iTunes, Adrian Pit and Samuel Kuffour – who has been locked in the Trigoria dungeons until his contract expires.

3. Gianluca Curci. Kid could use a loan. I think everyone knows that. But is there a guy Spalletti trusts enough available for vice-Doni duties? Maybe. And with the Coppa Italia being an uphill battle – potentially eliminating the only guaranteed time Curci is going to get – it could finally be time for him to start punching balls in another shirt.

4. Non-Mancini-impacted winger. With Espo apparently doing nothing to tingle Spal’s tenderer parts, Giuly looking best in the middle, more and more defenders being used on the wing and Mirko having to fill in for Jesus Totti more often than desired, a wing purchase wouldn’t being impossible.

5. Alessio Cerci. He’s not coming back now. Nor should he. The end.

The Rumors

Paris Hilton.: The sure thing, deal imminent.
Lindsay Lohan.: The 95%, final details in the works.
Pussycat Dolls.: Very likely, things are heading towards Paris.
Fergie.: Looks alright, but don’t touch it.
Mariah Carey.: All types of insane. Doesn’t even look good.
Jessica Simpson.: The 50/50.
Jamie Murray.: Just below the 50/50, might happen, but most likely will not.
Elisha Cuthbert.: A tough sell, but the right offer could seal the deal.
Ali Larter.: Very unlikely now, but come back a little bit down the line.
Keira Knightley.: Almost impossible. Almost.
Jessica Alba.: Pure fantacalcio.

Javier Saviola FW (Real Madrid): Alright, I know I’m making this up, but it is mostly logical. Saviola is a bench player, at best, for Real right now. Hell, he’s a cup player. Since November 1st he has played a whole 15 minutes in La Liga. Apparently Roma displayed interest in him during the summer but he went with Real instead for reasons unknown (cough€€€€€€cough)**. Do you think he might be receptive to a loan for the second half of the year? I’d imagine so. Yes, Roma is playing Real in the CL, but Javier is cup tied so it’s not like he could come back to bite them in the ass, other than giving Roma some more options to rest players in anticipation of the Real encounters. And yes, he’s another midget, but he would be a hell of an option on the left or as a forward winger at the price of a loan.

Not saying it’ll happen, but I wouldn’t be surprised one bit to see this come up as an option. SSR: Elisha Cuthbert

* – Yes, I’m totally dreaming of a lineup with Saviola on the left, Giuly in the middle, Espo on the right and David pulling up the rear. And they could be brought out onto the field in a special clown car just before the opening whistle.

** – Or was it Roma that turned down Saviola? If so wipe this paragraph from your minds MIB style. Or maybe it would have to do with wages. I’m still running with it.

Adrian Mutu ST (Fiorentina): He’s perfect for this team. A complete dickhead, but very perfect. Even still, nothing would happen until June or later. At which point it becomes about the finances and Fiorentina’s position in Europe. Til then, a whole lot of nothin’. SSR: Ali Larter

Arjen Robben LW (Real Madrid): Cut and paste the Saviola part here, except subtract the midget thing and add in “should be housed in a special bubble at all times to protect him from himself” and knock the likelihood down a few notches.

I still don’t get how this makes sense unless Rosella has been sleeping on a 600ft mound of cash underneath her mattress waiting for an oft-injured, highly skilled and rapidly balding Dutch winger to become available. I suspect she is, but for different reasons. SSR: Fergie

Fabio Liverani CM (Fiorentina): Yup, he’s one of the few which has crossed party lines, a Romanista playing for the slightly disfigured, chromosomally challenged whore of a step sister that is Lazio, but I immediately dismiss any rumor which says Roma is looking for a “vice-Pizarro” when Pizarro himself is “vice-King”. So would that make Liverani “vice-vice-Aquilani”?

Seriously, do people just write shit down no matter how logical it is, or isn’t? Unless Aquilani is being groomed for trequartista, possible but not probable with Simone still around, how does having yet another backup CM who won’t play make sense? Except for that “free in the summer
” part. Someone fairly important would have to go or something would have to change tactically for this to make any sense. Even then, he has never particularly impressed me outside of that one thing. And I think they have enough one-trick ponies in the central midfield as it is. SSR: Mariah Carey

* – And this may be true, but how the “vice-Pizarro” thing works in baffles me. It’s quite clear he’s not the best option on this team.

Santiago Solari LW (Inter): A name that makes sense except for that whole dealing with Inter thing. He’s getting zero playing time up north and he’ll be free in the summer. Were he to be had on the cheap, he makes sense as an alternative on the left if that’s what Spalletti is looking for. Of course Moratti will probably ask for Mancini plus co-ownership of Jesus Totti in return, so who knows. Either now or later, it does make a little bit of sense. And that’s rare around these parts. SSR: Jaime Murray

* – And he’d win the award for best inclusion of a WAG midseason running away. Even though it would be his sister. Which would probably make things kinda weird. (Which makes it SWAG? Sisters, wives and girlfriends? Somebody alert the British media ASAP. We’ve got a new acronym on board.)

** – Worst Roma transfer fact of the day, maybe century: They could be after a guy who played at a Division III college in New Jersey according to Wikipedia. How in the feck do you go from that to Real Madrid? Did he sign the same pact with Satan that Pippo did for his dating lineup?

Andrea Caracciolo ST (Sampdoria): Here’s your targetman, although it appears the media made this rumor up – or at least no one in the know has informed his agent. Makes a helluva lot of sense except for one thing: he’s a complete baby. The Queen of Whining. He’ll be 3rd choice, maybe 2b at the very best. He gonna be cool with that all of a sudden? He’s spent the last two years with PMS which would make most women go, “oh, that’s embarrassing”. I’m skeptical. That aside, the Curci loan swap does make some sense provided he’d see some playing time in the ringed shirt. Too much sense, bitchiness aside, in fact; which means you can rule it out pretty much. SSR: I feel like there needs to be a category for hormonal players who would do well on the pitch but off it kill the deal. Call it the “Diva Category”.
You know what…..Beyonce. (I don’t get the Beyonce thing. I don’t get it at all. I know I’m not the only one.)

Ragnar Sigurdsson DF (IFK Goteborg): I thought this name was one and done, but apparently his name has been popping up in the Scandinavian media being linked with Roma again. Maybe they really like this kid? The other team being linked is West Ham. He’s Icelandic. West Ham is Icelandic-owned. Any Icelandic speakers in the house which can be dispatched to Sweden ASAP to convince this kid to join Roma? Or at least just show him pictures of the last guy who spurned Champions League Roma for West Ham bucks: Julien Faubert. (Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it, Julien?) SSR: Jessica Simpson

Marco Amelia GK (Livorno): Something about him scares me, it really does. Part of it is that the rest of Europe is treating him like a leper. Or he’s at least like a girl who’s little too eager and you have to wonder if she’s angry at men and looking to spread some diseases. Another part is calling out both Roma and Lazio when he was a youth product of the better half. Who does that? Then there’s the price. Yes, he’s a very good goalkeeper, but he’s not infallible. I’m just not convinced. Nor do I think Doni is going anywhere right now. SSR: Fergie

* – I’ll do the exits at another time, but I really don’t think Doni will be sold. Were Milan to come in with huge bucks I’d fly to Rome and pack his bags for him, but I doubt the hierarchy feels the same way.

Guillaume Hoarau ST (Le Havre): Targetman du jour. 23 year old who has 15 goals in 18 games down in the French second division. The other team lusting over him besides Roma is Chelsea. Guess who’s going to win that battle? Basically, if Chelsea wants him, they’ll get him. If not, then it can become a legit Roma rumor. SSR: Keira