The Roman Derby was Lazio’s most important game of the season. Francesco Totti even laid flowers in front of the Curva Nord, purely because he’s classy. Add to that the fact that Lazio’s European ambitions ended a long time ago and the death of Gabriele Sandri and you have all the ingredients necessary for a major upset. (Did you see Delio Rossi run after the winning goal? The emotions displayed on his face demonstrated just that)

Lazio stopped hovering above the relegation zone just recently and are now in an Intertotto-esque position in the table. This is the best they can hope for under Lotito’s management.

You can’t fight faith my friends. Roma were not outplayed, just that Lazio couldn’t afford to lose the derby this time out. Karma worked its magic and there was nothing la Magica could do to modify the script. At least we’re still fighting for European supremacy…

Chris will prolly have something on the game eventually (Once he crawls out of the foetal position we’ve all  been holding since Wednesday night)

Seeing I’m an eternal enthusiast, let’s talk about the future;

Mercato/Speculation time:

Doni seems to be on the verge of renewing his contract. Personally, it pisses me off that Roma have a Brazilian keeper. I know Doni came on the cheap but he isn’t exactly a world beater. A team like la magica has been working hard on all 3 fronts for the past 3 seasons now and we would like that to continue. A team Ambitions like Roma needs a keeper that can single-handedly win you a game once in a while. Unfortunately, Doni isn’t that keeper. That’s were Marco Amelia comes in once again. The Roman-bred keeper stated this week that: He would NEVER play for Lazio, NEVER! His blood runs giallo and rosso and has even offered Roma to pull a Damiano Tomassi style return at the end of his career! Cash in on the heart attack generator and bring in Marco now!

The Livorno Stopper has been magical all year and deserves some Champions League Football but please don’t let him got to England or Russia.

Ando Cazzo e il centravanti ?

I’ll just start taking for granted that Roma’s looking for a Centre Forward. It’ll be simpler if you do the same.

We know about the KJH and Mario Gomez links, The Amauri/Totti love fest and the Gila possibility (By his stock while it’s low!). All of Europe wants a piece of these strikers (ok, maybe not Gila) so Roma needs to prioritize its striking priorities

KJH is looking at Real Madrid, Mario Gomez is drawing interest form Milan as well, so basically the only rumour that has picked up some speed his the Gilardino one. It seems TGIP and Totti think they can convert the Gila into a bona fide born-again Calcio player.

I’m all for trying it out, if he comes cheap. But seeing Ancelotti pick Palloschi, Pato and Inzaghi before the Biellese bomber has surely caused Gila’s price to drop. Hell even Sampdoria are inquiring.

The new name that needs to be added to the Centavanti list is: Sevilla’s Luis Fabiano
The Brazilian Bomber’s claim to fame was the penultimate Copa America. Before moving to La Liga in 2005, Fabiano was drawing interest from Roma and Palermo, he finally chose Sevilla.

Luis Fabiano has scored 48 goals in 102 games in Spain and has 8 goals from 14 games when he’s wearing the VerdeOro. Fabiano’s fairly young, cheap and has only one year left on his contract, which makes him a realistic target. Not to mention that no one can throw a better looking bitch slap!

Centre Forward, Brazilian and affordable; what more can Roma ask for !

Marc Borriello a.k.a. the STD farm

Some echos of Marco Borriello are reverberating around Rome. I will reiterate what I have already said on the Italy page; Marco Borriello is the Fabio Quagliarella of the 2007/2008 season. Milan still owns half of the STD farm and his cartellino will probably make its way to le buste. Roma will be keeping a close eye on the situation as it unfolds.

The Young studs

Roma are seemingly keeping an eye on Tijani Belaid a 20 year old Tunisian part of Inter’s Vivaio. The kid is on loan at Slavia Prague and managed to score on his Champions League debut. I don’t know much about him, but let’s keep an eye out.

Speaking of players I know nothing about, Roma are testing out the ‘’new Kaka.’’ Fabrizio Messias (1990) has been training in Trigoria for the past week. He looks like Ronaldinho but he plays like Kaka(the player, not like shit), or so his agent says.

A decision should be made in about a week or so.

Outgoing:

TGIP, Aquilani and De Rossi are drawing interest all over Europe ! Thank You Captain Obvious!

How is this news? Who wouldn’t want them in their team? NEXT

Barcelona has singled out Amantino Mancini for next season. The Catalan club thinks Amantino would be a perfect addition to their Fantastic Four.

Amantino hasn’t signed yet; Sara Varone ! You need to work your Magic because this is starting to smell like Chivugate all over again…

Forza Ragazzi! Andiamo a prendere l’Europa intera !

Reader Tick Tick Tick (given name, I presume) handed out this little questionnaire earlier in the week and I thought it was fantastic. So I figured I’d answer it, and if you haven’t, I suggest you do the same. (YouTubers where applicable.)

1.) All time world cup moment?

Fabio Grosso. World Cup Semi-finals. Dortmund. 119th minute. Left peg. Back of the net.

This is half about the goal and half about the celebration. I know I’ve mentioned it once, twice, a thousand times – it’s quite possibly my favorite goal celebration of all-time. So fantastic because I didn’t believe it, you didn’t believe it…..and Fabio Grosso sure as hell didn’t believe it.

The lanky fullback from the capital who’d spent much of his career in the calcio dungeons heaped the hopes and dreams of a nation onto his back and dropped them off in Berlin with an exquisite ball into the side netting. It was a moment, and a celebration, which will live on in legend.

2.) One Roma match in history you wish you had attended?

This one’s simple enough: June 17th, 2001.

3.) One Roma scoreline you wish you could reverse?

1-1, Liverpool, 1984…..for Ago.

4.) Five favorite Roma players past or present?

I think this is more difficult for American fans because when I was a kid, meaningful football games on television came in the form of exorbitant PPV costs (at least in my area) and the occasional midday fixture while I was away at school wishing I wasn’t away at school (and the elaborate am/fm radio setup for midday Red Sox games which I’d weaved into one of my jackets didn’t pick up footy – yes, I still somehow made it to college) . It’s only been recently (last 5+ years) that regular viewing has been possible, which obviously makes a difference. So chances are I’d have enjoyed some legends of old much more had I been given the opportunity to watch them consistently. (Unless they were HUGE, ya know.)

1. Daniele De Rossi
2. Francesco Totti
3. Damiano Tommasi
4. Aldair
5. *

* – This spot is being reserved for one Alberto Aquilani. (He’s close, but not yet.)

(Had I been around longer, I can guarantee Agostino Di Bartolomei would be on top.)

5.) Five favorite players to have never played for Roma past or present?

Ah, shit. I’m not sure I have five. Or three. I don’t really do favorites for other team. Favorite five to watch?

1. Luca Toni – he’s a fave.
2. Steven Gerrard – ditto.
3. Maldini.
4. Andrea Pirlo. If heaven were simply an eternity watching him direct an attack, well, you wouldn’t hear a peep from me. (I wouldn’t be watching Totti because he’s God and he’d be sitting right next to me, duh.)
5. Xabi Alonso. I love playmakers. What can I say? (Bet you didn’t see that coming.)

6.) Maradona or Pele?

Ummm, Pele, I guess. I’m not a huge fan of either. (Nothing to do with their play.)

7.) Inzaghi or Vieri?

Neither? The only reason I wanted Bobo at Roma was to keep the material flowing. Other than that, he’s a jackass.

8.) Baggio or Zola?

The Divine One.

9) Zoff or Buffon?

Gigi.

10.) Least favorite player of all time, past or present?

The only way I could hate Cristiano Ronaldo more is if he donned black & blue, baby blue or a prison uniform any time in the future. If anyone deserves a career ending injury, it’s him. (I’d gladly provide it.)

(Figo is up there. Ditto for Nedved, even if he does have spectacular hair.)

11.) Do you have a second club?

Torino.

12.) One player right now you would add to Roma, past or present, dead or alive?

This one’s tough. My first thought was Steven Gerrard to slot into Simone’s place because of his similar attributes (engine, stamina, defensive ability, attacking ability, etc) all while having the ability to finish, but I’m not sure how well he’d work with Roma’s quick ball work on the floor. Plus, a lot of his danger comes just beyond the box when he’s given the opportunity to unleash those missiles, not necessarily when sneaking into position in the box. Not that he couldn’t.

Of course then there’s Luca Toni, who can do that finishing thing fairly well. Could cherry pick from Barca’s roster – Messi, Eto’o, Bojan. Then I realized I could go old school as well.

Funny thing is I thought about this the other day, and this guy made the news on Wednesday. In the end, it’s easy: Johan Cruijff. I don’t care, pick a position, he could play it and he could provide a whole lot of what this Roma team needs. Could you imagine a pairing of Francesco and Cruijff? Mamma mia….

13.) One football dream you wish to see in your lifetime?

Next spring, at the Olimpico, Il Capitano hoisting the Champions League trophy in front of his fans, his city.

14.) Most prized football possession?

An early 90’s (think ‘92) Roberto Baggio Azzurri shirt I found at a thrift shop in East Nowhere Massachusetts for the grand total of $1.25. Clearly the world is mad to allow that sort of thievery to occur. (You can’t beat that.)

* – I’m not sure it’s “prized”, but it’s awesome.

15.) Finally, who is the best player in the world right now?

Ready for this? Daniele De Rossi.

Arrivederci, Matteo

“The conditions for a renewal at Roma aren’t there,” he stated in Il Tempo.

“In June I will be leaving, but I will give my all until the end of my last game for the Giallorossi.

“I have become used to being whistled and I expected it after there were reports that I had already agreed a deal with Milan.

“But I want to make it clear that I haven’t come to any agreement with anyone – I just won’t be staying here.”

Now if only he weren’t so evasive on the subject….

Pretty cut and dried, eh? You’re watching the final few months of Matteo’s Roman career. Take pictures, get out the video cameras, keep the programs and newspaper clippings….we’re headed for The Matteo Ferrari Farewell Tour.

This has been a long time coming. The guy wanted to be paid more money than he deserved, more money than he’s worth (by Roman standards, at least). Matteo had a very welcomed solid run of form a few weeks back, but there’s little to think he’s worth starter cash for this team. He’s a backup, doesn’t appear he’ll ever be anything more than a backup, and this may very well be a blessing in disguise. Lord knows what’s happening with Marco Andreolli up in the northeast, and we know Old Man River isn’t going in the other direction, so this could usher in a nice signing for next year to fill Matteo’s blacker than black boots. (And I also suspect OMR just became the 3rd centerback, if he isn’t already.)

So, let’s hope Matteo goes out with a bang and some serious silverware. He is/was a good and serviceable player, but he’s replaceable. Very, very replaceable.

(Go away, Kuffour.)

* – I also realize this could be an incredibly brilliant negotiating move, I just doubt it is.

A Jet Stream of Bullshit, aka The News.

I) The Brazilian Chuck Norris has a contusion, which on the scale of devastating injuries is just below AIDS and right above decapitation. Remember when His Francesconess got the contusion? Six weeks. God, they bought Chivu to replace Chivu. Only this one can dance better and doesn’t smell like Marlboro Reds and cat urine. (Alright, I made that up. I bet Chivu is a Kool Ultra Lights kinda gal.)

* – That’s me being overly dramatic. I have no idea how long he’ll be out and neither does Roma News, and they get Roman info just after God creates it. Suffice it to say, he’s out for the weekend.

II) Saturday’s game is going to be devoid of Brazlians (mostly). Amantino is out with a suspension, though he’s also got a bit of a knock. So that’s good. The one game Roma could maybe kinda sorta afford to rest people they’ll be without some other keys guys necessarily. I swear, there’s a Giallorossi voodoo doll somewhere.

* – Or maybe getting the suspension over with during a game he’s injured for anyway would be best. That would be logical.

Nope, I don’t care. I’m grumpy. Damn voodoo doll.

III) I know this is prolly too far down on the list, but…………..Cicinho wants out.

Does anybody blame him? The guy’s 27, will be 28 in the summer, and played a whole 25 games for Real Madrid over two years, andnow he’s 3rd in line for Roma. He’s not a spring chicken, he wants to play while he still can, and if true, I really can’t blame him.

That said, who knows. His agent is denying….

IV) Probable formation for Saturday via Roma News.

Doni;
Panucci (Cicinho), Ferrari, Mexes, Tonetto;
De Rossi, Pizarro (Aquilani);
Taddei, Perrotta, Vucinic;
Totti.

If Pizaman starts the next two games against Fiorentina and Inter I’m revolting and doing something drastic. A drastic revolt, that’s what.

V) I know you’ve probably seen this. Worth another look.

VI) Little FYI/FFR: Tracked down by edge at seriea.forumcircle.com, the list of Serie A players out of contract in the summer.

Alberto (Siena); Adani (Empoli); Balleri (Livorno); Balli (Empoli); Ballotta (Lazio); Bega (Cagliari); Bertotto (Siena); Birindelli (Juventus); Cafu (Milan); Cardone (Parma); Castellazzi (Samp); Cesar (Inter); Coly (Parma); Cordoba (Inter); Corini (Torino); Couto (Parma); De Rosa (Genoa); Favalli (Milan); Ferrari (Roma); Figo (Inter); Fontana (Palermo); Fontana (Torino); Fortin (Cagliari); Frick (Siena); Langella (Atalanta); Lazetic (Torino); Liverani (Fiorentina); Maldini (Milan); Morfeo (Parma); Nedved (Juventus); Orlandoni (Inter); Ronaldo (Milan); Serginho (Milan); Solari (Inter); Tare (Lazio); Ujfalusi (Fiorentina); Vieri (Fiorentina).

I’ve bolded the names of the players I’d like to see in Rome next year.

VII) Alright, I’ve been searching for crap to write about to avoid this longer, because I don’t do pats on the back well, but I’ve got to thank everyone who voted for me in the Soccerlens Awards. I won Best Blogger of 2007 from The People, which is pretty damn cool. So here come the thank yous:

• Rosella & Co., for not inking Chivu to an extension two years ago, completely fucking up his transfer and giving me a springboard to start this little page off. Without Chivugate, who the hell knows where I’d be. A never-was, probably.

• Lulu Gulu, for proving to me that, yes, I can change my hatreds despite my severe phobia of midgetized Frenchmen who have slept with Raymond Domenech’s wife’s schnoz. (The list is a lot longer than you’d think.)

• David Pizarro, for giving me a reason to wake up in the morning.

• The David Pizarro Nut-Huggers Fan Club, chaired by JCS and vice-chaired by maro, for making me want to stay in bed in the morning. (I kid, I kid. I’ll see “the light”, eventually.)

• Daniele De Rossi, for making me seriously question, if he asked, whether or not I’d have his babies.

• Francesco Totti, for making this page relevant.

• Christian Wilhelmsson, for making me angry enough to desire a platform to vent on any and all things Chippen. (There, I said it, that’s the real reason I started.)

• The good people at Illy, for keeping me awake long enough to spew out slightly logical crap on a semi-daily basis.

• The Grand Imperial Poobah, for being so damn lovable.

• And of course, to you, the readers, who have taken this page to places well beyond what I ever could have imagined. I never thought I could enjoy this as much as I do, and it’s all down to you. Grazie.

Also, Mancini has to give himself golden showers now that he is newly single. Maybe he should just check craigslist.

Mancini – Di Natale Swap, Say It Ain’t So…

My day full of exciting packing and cleaning was rudely interrupted by this little nugget from our favorite journalistic geniuses, channel 4 (not that an excuse to stop wasn’t welcome):

Note: C4 thieved this directly from controcampo and that £15m translated to roughly €21.5m. Grab the barf bag.

Listen, if Spalletti wants to swap Antonio Di Natale for Mancini AND €3m, then I’m turning in my Roman fancard and jumping on the Livorno front runner bandwagon. This summer his royal highness of insanity, Pietro Leonardi, was holding out for a whopping €10m for Toto (I prefer Dorothy). So his first 6 weeks of this season have seen that price more than double? Really? For a 30 year old striker who averages just 9 goals per Serie A campaign? Please.

The one worrisome part is The Grand Imperial Poobah’s neverending hard on for his ex-Udinese men, picking up Little David and being less than subtle about his desire to nab Dorothy and Vincenzo Iaquinta last spring. How badly does he want Di Natale? Enough to sell off a guy who appears to be balking at signing his contract extension? Combining his love for Dorothy with the past situations with Cassano and Chivu and his supposed recent “bust up” with Mancini (reportedly putting him in his place), and this becomes altogether plausible, if improbable. (Also, picking up Di Natale in January means he’s still cup eligible, food for thought.)

As for Mancini, who the hell knows how much of this is accurate. What we do know is it’s October and we have yet to hear much about putting pen to paper and inking an extension to the contract that runs out after next season (June 2009), even though the month still has time left. So, the earlier they offload him, the higher their potential asking price (duh). What they sure as hell do not want is Mancinigate next summer, and having Mancini pick his club (Inter) and allowing the owner of said club (Moratti) make a ridiculous salary offer to his dickhead agent (Veloz – he is a dickhead) and once again eliminating any amount of leverage the Giallorossi hierarchy possibly can accrue. And as we all know, Moratti has wanted Mancini for a loooooooong time and that Figo guy will most likely be taking the next train to either retirement or big bucks Qatar after this year – leaving a spot open on the wings. Almost sickening to see what could possibly happen next summer. Chivugate all over again.

While I’m all for Mancini staying, if he doesn’t sign an extension soon, I think we may see more of these rumors and I think they might actually be fairly true. Much will likely depend on the CL success or failures, but I would not be surprised one bit if Mancini has yet to sign an extension by January, he is put on the block.

As far as the numbers go in that rumor above, they’re bullshit. Di Natale isn’t worth nearly €21.5m. Mancini is worth more than €18.5m. And Di Natale isn’t even close to Mancini’s price – whatever it is. However, I could see something materializing with Toto and the same with Mancini, especially if Jean-Michel Aulas and Rafa Benitez see that ‘For Sale’ sign go up (sorry, JMA, guess who’s winning that one).

Totti Suspiciously Avoids Drug Test; Or, He Had A Child

Just read this article:

No shit, huh? There was a fucking investigation for this? The guy had a kid. He wanted to be there. Case closed. The end. Don’t even get me started on WADA and the IOC. Completely illogical agencies which are run by paranoia. Try being an athlete and getting just a common cold. The answer? Deal with it. Doping doesn’t need to be regulated as much as these agencies do. (I’m done – but I blame Lance)

Napoli Fans Banned

I’ll keep this brief. I don’t like the politics and extracurricular activities of football. It’s still just a sport and I think too many fans forget that. These guys are getting paid a lot of money to be kids again, and in most instances it shouldn’t “define” who they are as people. Violence in the stands is inexcusable and a black mark on those who participate. Put things in relative perspective. There is much more in life than we should be up in arms about, like the atrocities throughout Africa. Or the damage we are doing as a collective society to the environment. Or the intolerances of genders, races, religions and various demographic groups.

If banning Napoli fans for an away game will help curb violence then I am all for it. If emptying out the Olimpico for the game will help curb violence then I am all for it. Do the Napoli fans deserve it? I can’t say. Do other clubs deserve it more? Probably. But if it will help, I don’t care. Do whatever needs to be done, and punish all of those who are deserving. But drastic measures need to be taken. It’s just a game.

(I can’t even begin to imagine what would happen if I was at a game and I heard racist chants, as was the case with some Inter fans recently. I know I would be dragged out of that stadium in handcuffs along with as many offenders on stretchers as possible – and I’m white. Sometimes I’m ashamed to be a fan.)

Weekend Nuggets

I) Maybe I missed the memo on this one, but Alessio Cerci is being compared to Thierry Henry all of a sudden. Seriously, I knew he was good and performing well, but does anyone think we’re going a little far at the moment? Let’s turn the hype meter way down people.

II) Non-Roma, but I figure this needs to be answered. From goal.com: “Will Gianluigi Buffon Become The Best Ever?”

There are two separate questions here as far as I’m concerned. One was unasked, which is “Is Buffon the best of all time.” In a word: No. That’s the Black Spider, Lev Yashin.

The other is: “What does the future hold?” Tough question, because Buffon is in his goalkeeping prime (29) at the moment, and likely has another 5-6 years minimum with which to terrorize Italian strikers. While Yashin didn’t play for either a national or club (at least on the European scene) powerhouse, he dominated games from between the pipes. I used to own an old DVD of football history, and the brilliance that Yashin supplied was amazing. To the point where he is still today the only goalkeeper in history to take home the European Footballer of the Year Award (selection committee notwithstanding, it still means a little – especially for a keeper).

Gigi’s performance in Germany was phenomenal, with one own goal and a PK conceded – just phenomenal. Much of the credit goes to Fabio Cannavaro & Friends rebuilding the Berlin Wall in front of goal, but that does not mean Gigi was not tested hard at times. To most of us it was much of the same that we’d seen in Serie A over the past however many years. Yashin won a Euro, but I don’t think we can compare team accomplishments because this Azzurri side is vastly superior to the old USSR. Here’s a nice stat: 78 USSR caps, 70 goals conceded. Buffon has the same number of caps as of today, with 57 goals conceded. Could that difference be attributed to having names like Nesta, Maldini, Cannavaro, etc etc in front of Buffon? I think you could make that argument.

I don’t know nearly enough to comment on the domestic side of the USSR in the 50’s & 60’s, but we do know Gigi Buffon has gone up against some pretty decent Italian and European sides. The other difference is athletes of today are bigger, faster, stronger, have better training methods and better equipment, amongst other things. Having seen some video of Lev and a helluva lot of Gigi over the past few years, I think it’s fair to say Lev dominated his era like no goalkeeper in history, including Gigi. However, Gigi will most likely be the best goalkeeper in history and probably should be by the time his career is over. Evolution is just running its course.

As a Roma fan, having Gianluca Curci being dubbed “the next Gigi” really is scintillating. Hell, if he is even 75% of Gigi they easily have the best keeper in the peninsula. And then we’ll have another Italian-Russian debate: Curci or Igor Akinfeyev?

III) Marco Andreolli lives! Not only that, but he wants to come back in the last 5 minutes of The Derby and score a goal against the bastards in baby blue. I have smaller goals. Like seeing him on the field before March. But either one works.

IV) Matteo Ferrari and his reps will be meeting with the management next week. Stay tuned, because if they can’t wrap up these extensions, January could be a very busy month.

She of great WAGdom fame (also, the original offside WOTW – what an honor) has let us in on the future plans of her hubby, Il Capitano, and the Roman faithful should listen, because she gives us a little hint as to how long he plans on gracing us with his presence:

“We do get to spend time together as he almost always trains in the morning so he gets the afternoon with the family,” Ilary Blasi told Italian gossip magazine Grazia.

“I think he will remain in some capacity at Roma, but he tells me that he wouldn’t become a Coach,” she noted.

The first part has become quite obvious to us over the past couple years. From everything we have seen, Francesco appears to be the consummate father, and his family is the most important thing in his life.

The last part we also knew, Francesco has already made it clear that he’s gunning for Bruno Conti’s job and there’s not a damn thing BC can do about it.

The middle part kinda maybe sorta answers a question we’ve all been wondering for some time now. How long do we have? How long do we have the gift of this generation’s most gifted Italian player? For Roma fans it’s the Giallorossi equivalent of “How long do I have, doc?”. It’s there, we don’t want to face it, but we have to. Totti will, gasp, retire at some point, and life must go on. Now it’s just a matter of when.

Francesco’s 35th birthday comes in the first month of the 2011-12 season, which makes it a minimum of 4 years left, and possibly 5. Now, I don’t think this number is set in stone, but if anyone has a good enough guess, I would guess Ilary is tied for second behind Francesco with his brother, Riccardo. I think everyone also anticipates if his form dictates such, he’ll make an Azzurri return in South Africa before finitely riding off into the international sunset.

So, 4-5 years left of Him. Luckily enough, the Roman torch will be passed and passed more than adequately to Daniele De Rossi and Alberto Aquilani. Until then, it’s time to savor every goal, pass, back heel, flick, move and minute he spends on the pitch in the Roma jersey. All good things must come to an end. Unfortunately, so must all utterly great things.

And I also politely request that he grows his hair out once more before his career ends.

A look back…

* – The funny part of all this is I had begun a post discussing what happens post-Totti for the international break that I figured I’d unleash during one of the dead days next week when we’re trying to forget how badly Donadoni needs to be sacked. Guess it’s on everybody’s mind.

News, Notes, Nuggets & Nonsense

I) It’s hard to blame Valeri Bojinov for wanting to forget his Prem experience already. England didn’t exactly make a good first impression on him, putting his knee through the proverbial meat grinder about 17 seconds into his Man City debut. Now he’s saying his goal is still to return to Serie A (a common theme amongst Man City strikers these days – Rolando Bianchi has done the same), with his first choice none other than the big, bad Roman lupi.

“If l miss Firenze? I don’t miss only Florence, but Italy. I would like to play for Roma, it is a great team, has a good play and great trainer, who wouldn’t like to play in this kind of team?”

Knowing the rumor sharks circulating around his name this summer, one must wonder if he’s calling out Roma to come and get him, knowing of past interest, because he’s not exactly enjoying his time in the rainy Prem – bloody awesome Earl Grey or not. Of course plenty of players have called out to come play for the new big boy on the Italian block, so it could be just that, but who knows. Maybe his desire to play for the team would be enough in the upcoming years for the management to see it as the perfect answer to his supposed attitude problems and bring one of the most talented striker prospects in Europe to Rome. Or, could just be a day dream.

II) I feel like this is mid-July all over again – minus the Chivugate insanity. Not made up rumor of the day #2: Roma is supposedly after Icelandic defender Ragnar Sigurðsson of IFK Göteborg in Sweden, to the point where they’ve had scouts attending his games. Of course, add in the requisite Prem teams with the big pocketbooks to the list of hot and heavy suitors, but you get the picture. Apparently he’s quite promising.

Anyway, here’s what I know about him: He’s a 21 year old Icelandic central defender who plays for IFK Göteborg in Sweden. See that right there? It’s that type of expertise that allows me to command the big bucks.

But as you know, I need no excuse to dive head first into Swedish websites. So rest assured, I’ll be all over this one like Juve fans on “DP’s loin nectar” (shockingly, that group does not include Roberto Donadoni).

III) This is the quote of the decade, from some new reality dating show on US TV: “I’ve never been with an Asian chick before, but I love Chinese food.”

Just thought I needed to share that with you.

IV) Our favorite human pin ball, Simone Perrotta, should be around to play in the Napoli game. Regardless of missed sitters this season thus far, I was hoping he’d miss it and Matteo Brighi would get a run against the team which had super glued themselves to his nut hammock this summer. Kind of like taking your new smoking hot girlfriend to meet the girl who has had a crush on you for the longest time, just so she can now hate you and to kind of give her closure – letting her down in the best possible way. (Because they’re nice guys like that.) Just don’t sleep with her only to never call her back THEN introduce her to your new girlfriend. That’s an Inter move. With a non-Italian girlfriend, of course.

V) Our favorite Lilliputian, Bruno Conti (one of my favorite quotes of the season was BC saying they bought Lulu Gulu so he could make Bruno look taller), has big praise for Vitorino Antunes – that Portuguese guy who actually still plays for the team.

“I advise everyone though to keep an eye on Antunes. He will give us great satisfaction. He has a left-foot which is impossible to describe. He can put the ball anywhere with it.”

Good news. Now, if we could see that left foot outside of Trigoria that’d be fantastic.

(Anybody else recall TGIP saying Antunes was a management buy, not his? Methinks BC had a hand in that, and Antunes may play – or not play – accordingly.)

VI) A Roman youth product on loan/co-ownership saying he dreams of wearing the shirt someday? No, you don’t say! Daniele Galloppa has said the requisite wonderful things. That, should he progress accordingly, according to BC, he may be back with the big boys soon, and how dreamy that would be. Cupcakes and butterflied galore. Group hug. Anyways, two eye raising quotes:

i) “Considero Emerson, nella sua esperienza giallorossa, il centrocampista più forte che abbia mai visto.” I’m pretty sure the last way you want to endear yourself to the Giallorossi faithful is to admire Emerson, even if it’s just on the field. He’s a dickhead. The end.

ii) “Per il prossimo Siena-Inter o Siena-Juve cercherò di fare un favore alla Roma”. Now that is exactly how you endear yourself to the Giallorossi faithful. Aspiring to do a favor for Roma against Inter or The Cheaters this year.

I love this kid.

VII) Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?

I could see maybe if the list was 3 deep. 5 I’d really question. 10 I’d be a little upset about. 20 would be utter bullshit. But 30? Fucking 30? Francesco Totti was not one of the 30 best players in the world last year? Winning the golden boot and leading Serie A in assists wasn’t enough, amongst other, team accomplishments? So Patrick Vieiera was better last season? Who really votes for this thing? Lazio fans? Down Syndrome baboons? Oops, sorry, a bit redundant. It just goes to show you, you don’t need to even feign intelligence to be involved in the game. In fact, you can be a fucking muppet and still be allowed onto the national pitch or sidelines – though this is more emphasis on a known point than a revolutionary discovery.

In the end, the embarrassment resides with the voters, certainly not Francesco, who should actually be taking home this trophy and throwing it in the trash as soon as he gets in the door. As evidenced by this list, that is how much value this trophy holds. Value which, while minuscule, is still vastly greater than the value we should give to the opinions of those voting for this list.

* – One of the first decent articles from goal.com I’ve seen yet: “Is The FIFA World Player Of The Year Award A Worthless Trophy?” Yes. Yes, it is.

Let’s run down the gamut of Roman news which has transpired over the past few days. Also, if you didn’t know already, Francesco Totti is freakin’ money.

Injuries

King Alberto: His injury hit at the right time with the international break on the way, so he may only miss the Napoli game. Supposed to miss a month – or, more accurately, be up for reevaluation after a month – which would allow him back before the Milan, Lazio and Spoting mini trifecta; but knowing TGIP, he can expect to come in around the 85th mark in each of those games. Still, that nagging aspect is the worry, because the last thing Roma needs is a recurring groin injury for the Azzurri’s newest superduperstar.

Simone Perrotta: How many times has he been hit by a minor injury this year? By my count it’s three. An eerie coincidence considering he turned 30 less than a month ago and with his pin-balling workrate he must be nearing 250,000 on the odometer. Let’s hope it’s nothing more than just that, a coincidence. Out between 2-3 weeks (specifically 20 days, 13 hours, 47 minutes and 9 seconds), and it looks like he’ll probably miss the Napoli game, considering TGIP’s massive, inflatable kid gloves as of late when it comes to recently recovered players not named Francesco Totti.

Philippe Mexes: Should be ready once play resumes post international siesta. Most likely won’t be playing for France, but we knew that already.

Mauro Esposito: Calf injury, supposedly held out for precautionary reasons. At this rate his first start is going to be in February. He and Simone just cannot stop picking up unwanted hindrances. Kind of like K-Fed and children.

Rodrigo Taddei: Should/will be back for the Napoli game.

Marco Cassetti: Ditto. Probably the last person who needed an injury early. His “replacements” have looked pretty damn good.

King Fuckhead: Still an inconclusive brain scan result.

Marco Andreolli: I haven’t really been looking, but did they send him to Guantanamo Bay or something? How injured is he? What’s wrong? Does he still belong to Roma? Does Spalletti care?

Upcoming Schedule

10/21 Napoli
10/23 Sporting
10/28 @ Milan
10/31 Lazio
11/4 @ Empoli
11/7 @ Sporting

The two pairs of games so close to each other isn’t all that welcome a gift, but it certainly could be worse (rewind the schedule about 2 weeks). After that, it’s a Sunday walk in the park until the December 12th game against ManYoo inside the Olimpico. Judging by the way things look right now, 15 points from that schedule isn’t all that unrealistic. Some may even say a reasonable expectation (or would have said so until seeing Milan thrash Lazyo this past weekend). I’ll say 16 points, with a draw against Milan and Sporting. Anything less than 10 points and I’m going to need some IV anti-depressants.


Panucci & Mancini “Rifts” With TGIP

Most egomaniacal athletes (that’s 95% of them) will have a disagreement with their coach at some point; and 100% of that time, the media will try to blow it out of proportion – it’s their job to sell print. To me, that’s all this is in both cases. You have a fight about something probably inconsequential due to frustration (see: 4 games, 2 points), you come in a few days later, have an awkward man hug, a third party makes a joke about it, everyone laughs and everything is back to normal. It’s how locker rooms work. The whole “airing laundry” stuff means little and there is nothing between Luciano and Christian that will get in the way of a professional relationship at the very least.

Same goes for Mancini, the type of flake who, as he said, “needs to be put in his place” every now and again. I love Mancini, but he seems like a guy who is needed in small doses in an enclosed setting; and can every now again be the type of guy that says something so far over the top that everyone gets quiet with eyes like saucers. You know, like the type of guy who tells a double amputee to “break a leg”. He’ll sign his extension, we’ll all move on and all will be forgiven with a firm Poobah ass slap. Group hug.

Alessio Cerci

One of the many elite prospects to come off the assembly line at Roma’s world class youth factory seems to be doing big things down in Serie B. Alessio Cerci is currently on loan at Pisa (he’s an ugly bastard, isn’t he – he looks like Rodrigo Taddei and Encino Man had a homosexual love child), already tearing up the opposition – 4 goals in the last 3 games – to a point where the Roma hierarchy has considered bringing him back from loan as early as January to join the senior squad – and he’s only 20 years old.

The strange part? He has a ridiculously low buyout in his contract for Pisa, even though Roma probably has a buy back option as well. The stranger part? He was on loan to Brescia last year, with another buyout clause amounting to peanuts, and was sent back to Roma, with Brescia politely refusing to stump up the cash (or that’s how it has been reported, Serie B loan deals aren’t exactly high up on the media accuracy meter). What happened all of a sudden that makes his value skyrocket this much? Or why had it dropped so low? And does that have anything to do with his lack of call-ups from the Azzurrini?

Assuming that Roma can bring back Cerci, one has to admit this is a puzzling move. Either that or complete media BS. The kid’s youtube resume looks good (though I think that’s the point), but not enough to vault him past the likes of Mirko or Mauro just yet – especially considering TGIP’s aversion to Arsenewengeritis, a disorder in the same family as paedophilia, recently. He can play as a lateral forward or a second striker, not unlike that Totti guy, with a little bit of speed, and one who can dribble, cut in, make runs and knock it with both feet. All of which is nice for the future, but nothing that would be more valuable than significant playing time for Pisa in the second half of the year. If, in the next two months, he continues his dominance and shows he has nothing more to learn in Serie B, then I’ll change my tune, but I think most highly doubt that will be the case. Until then, let the kid tear up the lower league and keep the tifosi drooling.

Hell of a prospect, but my money is still on Stefano Okaka Chuka.

Goals:

* – If anybody recalls that little discussion we had a couple weeks ago as to “who could possibly fill in for Francesco when he retires”…food for thought. But a topic for another day.

Phat Philou

This is Philou playing the role of Antonio Cassano for the scout team in anticipation of the Sampdoria game.

I know it’s a bit early, but I couldn’t wait until Christmas – I had to get that off my chest.

FIFPro XI

I wasn’t going to mention this because it’s so far beyond absurd it’s nearly incomprehensible, but nonetheless, take a look:

GK: Gigi Buffon – Serie B (Not that he isn’t the best in the world, but still, if this is based on last year…)

LB: Alessandro Nesta – Because he’s not only a LB, but also the best in the world at the moment.

CB: Fabio Cannavaro – Apparently the voters failed to renew their Real TV subscription. At this point, I’m beginning to wonder how many Italians are actually on the voting panel.

CB: Carlos Puyol – Eh, there were better.

RB: John Terry – Not only is he a CB, but he wasn’t even the best on his own team last year (Carvalho); some might even say 3rd best, falling behind a midfielder (Essien).

LW: Lionel Messidona – Legit. Pencil him in here for awhile.

CM: Steven Gerrard – I’m a self-professed lover of all things Stevie G, but even I’ll admit he was under par last season. I can’t even say he should have been on the Prem XI. Essien deserves a spot.

CM: Kaka – Golden Champions League Ball for sure, but I’m not sure he’s a CM. I don’t even think Ancelotti knows what he is. Nevertheless, deserving wherever. (He’d be on an NFL draftboard as “athlete”.)

RW: The Fake Ronaldo – Also on the World’s Biggest Pole Smokers XI, wearing the captain’s armband.

ST: Didier Drogba – Well, looks like Ruud got slighted, since his partner must obviously be Francesco Totti…

ST: Ronaldinho – …uhhhhhh.

Totti’s one thing. Totti AND Ruud omitted? Obviously this is more of a popularity contest and no one watches Real Madrid anymore. Just a ridiculous list.

For the record, my XI for last year (key phrase):

GK: Petr Cech, I guess. Pepe Reina was great late in the CL, but Cech was pretty spectacular after the injury.
LB: Tempted to hold this spot for Maldini’s son. For now, it’s honorary to pops.
CB: Ricardo Carvalho. He was really something to behold last season.
CB: Sergio Ramos. Ditto.
RB: Dani Alves. Guy’s good, but the defensive flanks are weak comparatively.
LW: Lionel Messi. Getafe. Getafe. Getafe.
CM: Michael Essien. Might make this team at a couple spots.
CM: Andrea Pirlo. Serie A and Azzurri fans know.
RW: Kaka. His position is negligible. Slot him anywhere from the midfield up, he plays there at some point.
ST: Ruud van Nistelrooy. That late season clutch run was insanity.
ST: Il Capitano. As if he needs justification.

As you know, opinions are like ass holes, everyone’s got one. That’s mine. Let’s see yours – the opinion, that is. And if anyone puts David Pizarro on there I’m going to track you down and have you committed.

New Goalie

This one kind of flew under the radar, but Roma picked up a young stud keeper for the youth setup this weekend. He’s 12 years old and supposedly moved to the city recently from Spain via France.

Can he touch the crossbar? Yay? Nay? I need an answer to this. I really do. Also, how many pairs of shorts/pants is he wearing? And is he supposed to resemble the Mayor of Munchkinville?

Courtesy of Linda.

Dominique Antognoni: Why did you choose the Nerazzurri and not Real Madrid or Barcelona?

Chivu: I always wanted Inter and only Inter. I think that the way the negotiations went clearly shows that. For me, they were the only side that existed. It was my dream and you don’t mess with dreams. My love affair with them started in the summer of 2003, when I came so close to arriving in Milan. There was a small obstacle, but my heart already belonged to the Nerazzurri.

Apparently Chivu’s heart has belonged to Inter since 2003, and Roma was a “small obstacle” in fulfilling his true love. And Roma never existed? There was also a snippet regarding a “dream contract”. But it’s clear now: it wasn’t the Becali brothers pulling the strings, it was Chivu. Though the former may be embarrassments to human beings everywhere, Chivu has taken to another level. He’s shamed the shirt. He’s taken a great privilege and called it a stepping stone for his “dreams.” And he was in no way, shape or form “naive” during his negotiations.

While I’m certainly not shocked, his colors were glaring throughout the entire process, I’m nearly at a loss for words. It was quite evident he was a money grubbing whore, he was at least cordial and moderately eloquent in the press, always said all the right things, as untrue as they may have been. This is obviously saying the right things for Inter, but you still don’t say your heart was with one team while playing for another. Quite simply, that’s unprofessional, which seems to be a running theme with our ex-favorite Romanian here.

The tears? Celebrations? Please. Give me a break. He may have given his body to the shirt, but he never gave his heart, and that’s what matters. That’s what separates Roma from every other club in the world. When the players kiss that badge it actually means something, and it means more than anything he will ever do in Milan. I am ashamed he ever had the honor of wearing the shirt.

* – Fiorentina preview later today, and now Francesco is out. I swear, they better win by about 4 goals because this week has me steaming.

So here we are, the great rematch of the final in Berlin, the one that actually counts because (most of) the big boys are back. Italia is without Luca @#$%ing Toni and Marco Materazzi, la Frenchies’ old nemesis, while France is at pretty much full-strength, minus The Chosen One, who has been battling injuries during the start of the season in L1 and not up to par yet (TCO is Samir Nasri if you’re new here). The Azzurri are also missing a decent head coach and any sense of continuity in the lineup. France is suffering the opposite problem, as their resident buffoon has been perched up in the cheap seats by UEFA for his unfortunate misplacement of that much ballyhooed “Dossier of Evil.” In an extreme understatement, having Ray Ray Dum Dum up in the stands is a good thing for France. Of course he did leave his fingerprints on the game by starting Julien Escude over Philippe Mexes. Escude being obviously a much better defender than Philou. Not to mention knowing the opponents because he’s teammates with a few and plays against the rest every weekend in Serie A with Sevilla. Duh. Onto the starting XI’s.

Frenchies:

Landreau;
Diarrhea, Thuram, Escude, Abidal;
Ribery, Vieira, Makelele, Malouda;
Anelka, Henry.

Azzurri:

Gigi;
Oddo, Canna, Barzagli, Zambrotta;
Camoranesi, Pirlo, Gattuso, De Rossi;
Del Piero, Inzaghi.

It’s a good thing Donadumdum stuck with a familiar formation and players who had been starting regularly. Of course the back five were expected, but way to start 3 deep-lying mids and Camo in the midfield. That’s tactical genius for you. I don’t even know what to say about the ADP/Pippo pairing, it might have been the lesser of many many evils, but they blew. Bad. Oh, and arguably the best midfielder in all of Serie A over the first two weeks (and a couple not far behind, Foggia and Rosinaldo) hasn’t even made the pine for the game. Yeah, I’ll tackle that one at a later date. Whatever, the running diary.

Running Diary:

(I couldn’t see the clock during any of the game, so the minutes are complete guesses. If they’re off, guess what? I don’t care.)

7′ I think I’ve been buffering for eons now, but here we go, back into the swing of things.

9′ It’s nice to see Zambrotta back after missing the last few qualifiers. It will be even nicer to get a few glimpses of Mrs. Zambro in the stands today (fingers crossed).

10′ Anelka offside by a quarter-mile. He’s been watching too many Pippo tapes.

12′ Pirlo gets taken down from behind by Henry, then gets up with that usual look of disbelief on his face, saying, “Are you fucking kidding me?” It’s either that or, “I think I just soiled myself, I hope nobody notices.”

14′ Mauro has his hair in a half-ponytail and has somehow worked that Argie-Italian hybrid into looking like a geisha.

16′ Canna is taken down from behind in the box, no call. Who knew? France gets that call. And if that was Malouda, aka “King of the Invisible Tackle”, Blatter would’ve sent him an official letter of apology and a gift basket full of scented bath oils and nipple lube.

19′ France is getting way too many passing lane’s in the Azzurri half. It’s starting to open up like Paris Hilton’s legs post-happy hour.

20′ Pippo sucks. That is all.

21′ It’s like the field is on a slant, all the play is concentrated on the right because the LW is, well, there is no left wing.

22′ Camo elbows Malouda in the face, probably facing a 3 year international ban and a civil suit for 1 billion euros from the FFF later this week.

27′ Lassana Diarrhea (that’s his new nickname) molests Zambro. Gianluca fails to get the call and/or be cuddled. Goddamn French.

28′ Really really really missing Luca Toni right now. Hope Fab Quag’s comes on soon. Oh. Wait. He’s in the stands….

30′ Gattuso gets a yellow for a late blow on The Human Beer Can (I apologize for that)

33′ Nice pass into the box by Mauro, Del Piero gets it in the box and misses up close. Damn, 2002 was a looooooong time ago, wasn’t it?

34′ GREAT pass by Pirlo, Pippo puts it over the bar. Typical.

36′ Vieira pulls his skirt up and slaps DDR in the face. Classy guy.

38′ Close up of Mexes kicking his feet up and relaxing because he knows damn well he won’t play. Even if Ray Ray Dum Dum is up in the stands wondering which shunned former Les Bleus star is at home sleeping with his wife.

39′ Anelka taken down by clumsiness. Free kick France.

40′ Ref is blousing his shirt, showing everyone how cool it is.

41′ Ribery takes a hard shot towards….the corner flag.

433′ Malouda lines one up and puts a missile high left and Buffon casually makes a phenomenal save. Donadumdum looks like a man whose job was just saved.

Halftime: No real domination by either side, a lot of switching off between midfield battles. Forwards are useless up to this point, really. Pirlo had some spectacular passes, but nobody really stood out. Mostly just both defenses doing their jobs and a couple good saves by each goaltender. Can you tell how unenthused I am?

46′ No half-time changes.

48′ Good shot from Camo, decent save by Landreau and a corner. ‘Nother corner. Nothing.

51′ It looks like The Don Doni unleashed an inspirational halftime monologue because the boys have come out looking very aggressive. Or maybe they’re just being aggressive. Yeah, probably that one.

52′ Cross comes in from Oddo, Inzaghi misses the header with his 6cm vertical. Once again, coincidentally the size of Pippo’s Pippo.

52′ Anelka makes his way into the box and takes a shot on goal which is followed up by a fantastic save by Gigi. Serie B last year or not, best keeper in the world and there isn’t even a close second.

53′ Thierry Henry has just been spotted in the stands with Tony Parker and Eva Longoria because he has yet to show up on the field yet.

56′ Gattuso begins to stare down the ref on the ground because he had yet to award a free kick. Referree concedes to Medusa-like stare, awards foul. Damnit, doesn’t he know this is the San Siro. Ivan’s house.

57′ Simone Perrotta on for Camo. No red card on the touchline, which is a good start for Simone these days. A smart tactical move by TDD, also. Because the team desperately needed some attacking width on the flanks and brining in the fourth central midfielder for your only winger will certainly do that. The man’s a genius.

58′ Now Gattuso wants a 20 second timeout because he got hit in the mouth. Ivan has turned into a Naomi Campbell prima donna mid match. He’s one more late tackle from taking off his shoe and throwing it at somebody.

59′ Great attacking chance for the Azzurri, but Del Piero gets bitched off the ball by half the France squad. Time to get him off.

63′ Pippo coming off for the commie, which is good. They need a big body in there for all those crosses coming in from the wings.

64′ Zambro has been spending an inordinate amount of time on the ground today. I’m sure there’s a ‘legs weak’ + ‘Mrs. Zambro’ joke in here but I’m going to spare you (especially the ladies).

71′ Tempo has really slowed down, we’ll call this The David Pizarro Effect, and it looks headed towards a 0-0 draw at this point. Which was probably the case all along.

75′ Makelele takes the fourth shot of his career towards the goal….at Stamford Bridge. Hits some old lady in the 3rd deck.

76′ Henry has just absolutely disappeared. Where’s Trezeguet? Bad memories?

78′ France gets a 3v2, has absolutely nothing come of it. Both teams have sucked on the attack today.

79′ DDR draws a free kick from 35 yards out….nada.

80′ Seriously, Anelka has been much better than Titi. Who saw that coming? Put your hands down, liars.

82′ Di Natale in for Del Piero. Fresh legs, nothing else.

84′ Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooring….

85′ DDR and Simone form a Roman tag team on Makelele. Awww, poor Frenchman.

86′ Toulalan on for Ribery. Nothing says “we’re going for a goal and the win” like bringing on a defensive mid for your best attacking midfielder.

87′ Azzurri setting up an attack in the end of Frenchness, nothing comes of it – per usual. Di Natale is elbowed in the face, no call. Where was this ref during the USA game last year?

88′ France parking the team behind the ball. That’s “win at all cost” tactics for ya right there.

90′ 3 minutes added. Excuse me, 3 more minutes of boredom added.

91′ Oddo crosses from the left, hits a young kid in the first row of the stands….in Portugal. I think Oddo may be the first person in the history of football to someday take a cross and actually kick it out of the stadium. Seriously, some of those are just unreal.

92′ Nothing

93′ Nothing

Whistle. Nil – freakin’ Nil.

I feel like I just watched two immensely talented but horribly coached teams go up against each other. Actually, that’s what happened.

More on this game and stuff tomorrow/Monday. I need to go pick up my level of excitement by watching paint dry.

Enjoy your trophies….jackass.

Hey Sevilla, over that way…to the left.

I’m sure you’ve seen the quote from Cicinho how he’d be happy to join Sevilla about 48 hours after saying it was “Roma and only Roma.” Honestly, this sounds a lot like his agent speaking. In fact, it screams it. Limiting your options limits your leverage, etc etc etc. Good player management 101. And most teams aren’t complete buffoons like Inter in handing over an insane promise like Moratti did to Chivu. Cicinho’s looking for something to get done soon, and he’s looking for some scrilla. It’s that simple.

The problem here, of course, is this whole Dani Alves saga. Chelsea can’t come up with the requisite bank to please Sevilla (!) or won’t and Real Madrid has snuck in the open back door without actually being invited in. You know, kinda like when you throw a somewhat exclusive party and while you’re out front greeting guests some guy who wasn’t invited sneaks in the patio door, starts chatting up your girlfriend and making her his “famous” cocktail – like 12 of them. That’s Real Madrid.

If Cicinho agrees to move to Sevilla, there really isn’t much to say. A lot of people will blame the management, but nearly every single report says that Real was holding onto him until the whole Alves to CSKA London thing was a go or fallen to smithereens. The latter happened so now Cicinho, a guy who has the potential to be just as good, if not better, than Alves, is the key ingredient to the deal Real is cooking up. I believe it’s Cici + enough euros to cure world hunger, which is totally within the realm of possibility when talking about Real “I Wipe My Ass With Million Euro Bank Notes” Madrid.

So it was either pay way above market value for Cicinho, almost double Rosella and/or The Grand Imperial Poobah’s valuation, or wait. And wait on a player who isn’t a necessary purchase, but more of a luxury with Marco Cassetti in the fold (we all know Cicinho isn’t a big upgrade for the one major flaw in Marco’s game – defense). Yeah, if the difference was negligible and Rosella didn’t close that deal, that’s shoddy management to say the least. But it really sounds like Real has been holding onto Cici until Dani Alves gets moved one way or the other. You know I really want Cicinho, but I can’t really blame Rosella & Co. here if it really is how it sounds – with a little bit of reading between the lines, of course.

At this point, I haven’t a damn clue what’s going to happen. Not a clue.

* – I just got home from being gone since quite early this morning, so I’ll wrap up the rest of the not-so-important news in tomorrow’s post.

All Flap, A Little Bit of Doodle:

I) By request your gratuitous cheesily awesome 80’s music video this week will be provided by rock legends Tears for Fears, but with a different song than requested. Sorry, but if it’s going to be TFF, it’s got to be Shout or Everybody Wants To Rule The World. We’re going with latter. Why? Because it rings true for everybody. Especially Hitler.

II) Best name in the history of IMDb.

III) In honor of the continuing suckitude of the US dollar, revisiting some comedy of yore.

IV) Is Jackie Chan dead yet? No? Damnit.

V) Like it’s any big surprise. (You’ve probably seen it, but it’s worth revisiting)

VI) Zlatan’s Corner

Quote of the Week

Co Adriaanse, Ajax, after Zlatan signed with Ajax:
Ibrahimovic plays very well; excellent, I’d say. He really has good technique. You don’t see that very often with tall players. Probably because of the bigger distance between the brains and the feet.

I believe we can all be thankful Co decided to be a football coach rather than a physician. Though I would like to see him publish that theory. Or at least the methodology which led to his great epiphany. And as a tall person, I’m highly offended. I’m tired of this bullshit stigma that comes along with being characterized as “tall” (officially 1.90m+ according to someone who probably made it up but has a fancy degree). I’m tired of people asking me to reach for stuff for them. Get a damn stool. Or movie rows which are too close and force us to pull our knees uncomfortably towards our chests. But you know what kills me? The fact that I can’t achieve my dream of being a short track horse jockey. Goddamnit if Tobey Maguire can do it why can’t I? I’m done.

Zlatan takes Cristiano Ronaldo over his knee and gives him a spanking. Unfortunately, The Fake Ronaldo enjoys it just a little too much. (Nice pants)

Alright, that might not be the video. But it’s totally plausible.

VII) Revisiting another old commercial. Something tells me this kid’s going to be a ladies man when he grows up.

VIII) New: Chris Walken’s Comedic Corner

Pure genius is often attempted, but a rarely achievable state of comedic nirvana. Here’s bliss. (A worthy investment of your time)

IX) Your gratuitous Former Soviet Bloc supermodel who could probably stand to eat a sandwich, but we won’t force her to do anything against her will. This beaut is a 6′ Ukrainian Valeriya Melnik who has reportedly been making waves in the Italian fashion community ever since she graced the pages of Vogue in December or something. Yeah, I actually read the article that came along with said photo. No really.

This whole supermodel section has given me far too much fashion insight and quite frankly I’m not happy about it.

X) Warning: If you’re offended easily, probably shouldn’t click on this link. Not sure how safe for work it is either (bad four letter words). Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Jesus had a brother. Where will you be when the Craig machine comes partying through?

XI) For those who missed it, we’ve started up The Roma Offside Fantasy League over at Yahoo (the link):

League Name: Roma Offside League (ID# 692)

password: spalletti (lower-case s)

The Cast:

Cicinho: James Franco (I’m sure there are better options, I was stumped)
Maria: Lohan (duh)
Rosa: Keira Knightley
Mr. Bronzettiballs: Fred Willard
Mr. Mijatovic: Peter Stormare
Al Gore: Al Gore
Silverback Gorillas: Lazio fans
Some Random Role Just Because: Donal Logue

The Soundtrack:

The Plot:

One day, in a sleepy little town called Uropa, a new family moves in to town, having traveled all the way from their native Brazil for the chance at a new life. Amongst them is a teenager named Cicinho, or Cici for short. A real looker, or “talent” as they say, he immediately has the girls buzzing; and they immediately start taking dibs on who’s going to ask him out first. He’s a mixture of shyness and mystery, only adding to his image as a dashing young man of style and promise. Even more so, a girl from his town back home in Brazil came to visit the previous summer and described him as “marauding,” which set the hearts of the hormone enraged girls aflutter. Most of it is all a teenaged fairy tale for the girls of the town however, because they all know one girl, Maria Mijatovic, will be the only one to get a crack at the new boy.

Everyone in town knows Maria. Her father was an athlete who now owns a highly successful adult magazine, and the family is rich beyond their wildest wet dreams. She is “The Queen Bee”, quite simply, and she always gets what she wants. No ifs ands or buts about it. No matter if it’s clothes, grades, toys, boyfriends or the #10 shirt for Bolton (which they’re apparently handing out on street corners these days). The girls of the town make sure they know where their boyfriends are at all times during the evenings, for fear that Maria may be on the prowl, looking for fresh, young prey. She’s a predator, there is little doubt about this. She’s the captain of the cheerleading team, the prettiest girl in town, and for her 16th birthday, her daddy gave her a cotton-candy pink Lamborghini Diablo – just to show that she’s better than you. When it comes to men, she’s a maneater, to say the least. You’re given a short time to please her, and if you just won’t do, it’s off with your head and the next sacrificial lamb is brought to the altar. And she may or may not have a slight coke problem, she gets bloody noses A LOT after 9pm. But for all her obvious superficial flaws, she’s still just a scared little girl who wants to please everybody and live up to the lofty expectations she’s set for herself.

The initial meeting between the two was typical, and nothing to pen a romantic best seller about. One day after football practice Maria mosied on over to Cici, who was giving himself a mini Gatorade bath in slow motion. Maria told him she thought he looked really good at practice that day, and Cici mumbled something about having a cat and linguine in his kit (he was still new to the language). Maria giggled like the schoolgirl she was and they proceeded to have a conversation which could only be characterized as “speaking in tongue – kinda”. Somehow it evolved to Maria asking him to come over to her house one day so she could show him the finer things in life. Like her daddy’s jacuzzi, his trophy collection, his cars and her prized orchid.

So Cici comes over with grand expectations of closing the big deal, which doesn’t take much persuasion, and soon they’re boyfriend and girlfriend. Once again, Maria gets what she wants. The news spreads around the town quickly and by Monday it’s the talk of the school. They roll through the double doors in slow motion holding hands, both of them posing like Paris Hilton getting a whiff of a Kodak one-time use camera within 250 yards. They stop and talk to people and tell them how happy they are to be together, and they believe this is for the long run. But they’re going to start out slow and do things right. There’s something magical in the air. Of course maybe that’s the reefer emanating from the Calderon household next door. Who lost their son in a tragic car accident with a drunk Aston Martin owner. They cleaned him out financially but now use drugs for escapism, as they can’t take the reality of the loss of their beloved son.

They go out on a couple public functions like the opening of the local Target and the premier of Harry Potter: Am I Fucking Dead Yet? just to be seen together, and everywhere they go they hear the whispers of “they’re such a cute couple” and “they’re perfect for each other” and “after seeing her, I want a hotter girlfriend. Don’t call me anymore. And shave your goddamn legs.” But it all changes after a few dates, when they actually start to spend some quality time together away from the limelight and red carpets. Cici rents a few humorously craptastic movies just to lighten the mood like What About Bob? and Super Troopers, but Maria is none too amused. She’s no BK and it’s her way or no way, she wants a refined gentleman who is nothing but GQ all day every day. Maria starts to realize after a few months that maybe things weren’t as perfect as they appeared, but at this point Cici has become BMOC. Some of the other, “lesser” girls have smelled the blood in the water and start to whisper that he may be there for the taking before long. Sending those estrogen meters into high gear and the men scrambling for the hills towards Mt. Bigbuckspremiership.

However, when the school year starts rolling around, Cicinho finds himself in the same art class as Rosa Pradsensi (you knew it had to be art), taught by Mr. Bronzettiballs. She’s the quiet girl from the poor family with the good intelligence and stunningly gorgeous looks, but doesn’t show too much interest in the big boys because she’s never been confident she has all that much to offer. Nevertheless, the moment they lock eyes, it’s like a flock of doves was released into the room. Cupid shot a direct arrow straight through his heart, only to be pierced more sharply by the intensely longing gaze of Rosa’s baby browns. At that moment, Cici knew this was it. He had found Her. Rosa felt a mutual attraction, and while skeptical due to his current status with Maria, knew she had to have her man.

Despite the obvious attraction, the two are timid around each other. It’s quite clear there is some dynamic chemistry, but due to Cicinho’s relationship and her lack of self-confidence, the two don’t let their feelings be known immediately. They make small talk and chat about school, the carnival and the plight of the silverback gorilla in central Africa, but don’t delve into anything more intimate. Then one day they’re alone after school walking down the hallway after staying late to finish up a nude portrait when they bump each other and create a spark (it’s carpeted). Immediately Cici says, “Did you feel that?” To which Rosa replies, “I’ve felt it all along.” (what, you thought there would be a teen movie without a cheesy line from some girl that spooks a guy? Get with it). The sit down on the bench outside the school and talk out their feelings in the pouring acid rain caused by Al Gore, staying into all hours of the night. Eventually they decide that “hanging out” as platonic friends would be best for all.

One day Cici decides to tell Maria how close he and Rosa have become, which was just a stupid stupid idea (duh – now). After which she flips out, breaks up with him and says “go back with your whore of a friend. Just go be with her. You obviously want to be with her and not me. Am I not good enough for you? Am I fat? Am I not anorexic enough for you? I had a piece of fucking lettuce today. Should I starve myself? Do you even know what her parents do? They’re swine. She has fake Prada shoes. They’re not even real. Do you know how many guys I’ve turned down for you? I could’ve had the entire campus. But I held out for you. You no good, backstabbing piece of shit. I love you. Please take me back. Don’t ever leave me. I don’t care what you say or do, we”ll always be together.” (I feel like I’m about to be sued for copyright infringement by Laguna Beach and/or The Hills) After the hullabaloo and drama, they reconcile in a mad passionate frenzy, because Cici has never seen such fire in her eyes before. Maria was torn, being with a man she know had eyes for another woman. But damnit, if everybody wants it, she’s going to get it. So she isn’t worried about any of those other girls, including Rosa. School gets out for the summer and Cici goes back home for a couple months, the harmonious couple staying together while Maria openly flirts with Danny, the captain of the football team from next town – but soon realizes even he is too much maintenance for her. He’s got his eye on greener pastures, and starts hitting up the local state university for “talent”.

Both Cicinho’s and Rosa’s families spend the next summer away from Uropa, probably best for all parties involved. They both rent little cabins on the lake for two months, but unfortunately for Maria, it’s the same lake. One night at the local grocer, Rosa and Cici bump into each other while they’re out for a stroll. Cici out for some mixed nuts and prunes and Rosa out for some female products to keep the bears away. They spend the night on the boardwalk overlooking the moonlit lake, not saying much, just staring deep into each other’s eyes. Finally, Cici leans over to kiss Rosa with one hand caressing her neck as a car drives by blaring REO Speedwagon “Can’t Fight This Feeling.” They fall asleep in each other’s arms on the wooden planks, awoken only by the rising sun. Together they decide it’s time, they have to be together no matter the consequences of that crazy bitch Maria.

Cici spends nights pacing the floor, wondering how he’s going to tell Maria it’s over. Rosa sends him encouraging text messages, and sneaks over late at night as they hold each other under the ever changing moons. She whispers in his ear, “have you ever woken up in the morning and wished someone had taken you passionately and ravenously the night before?” To which Cici replied “No. Why?” and Rosa doesn’t say a word (needless to say, Cici’s not the brightest of characters). Eventually, Cici calls Maria when he knows she’s busy at the electric beach and leaves her a voicemail that it’s over. He explains his reasons. He tries to appeal to the human side that she doesn’t normally let out of the cage. He hangs up expecting the worst. But he’s at peace. He can now move on to the one he is supposed to be with.

Somehow, someway, Maria surprisingly concedes defeat to the gargantuan and untouchable opponent that is true love. She calls up Rosa and gives her full blessing, saying she knows deep down that they belong together. She may be a bitch, but she’s human in the end. No more hassles, no more fights, no more facades. Cici has Rosa and Rosa has Cici. And they live happily ever after. With many many scudetti.

The Casting Choices

Franco: Like Cicinho, he’s a talent who has yet to really approach his full potential (see: Annapolis – well, don’t see it) and has called for a comparison to one of the greats like Cici. Cici with Cafu and Franco with James Dean (a personal fave).

Lohan: The train wreck that is the Real management. There was really no other choice.

Knightley: Did I really need an excuse?

Willard: It’s not a teen movie without him.

Stormare: My mind went immediately to him when I thought of Predrag. Could be the greasy slicked back hair thing. Plan B was Pat Riley.

Obviously the full script would be more detailed, but there’s the picture – if you’ve been in a coma for the last two years. The best part about all this? It will never ever go into production.

* – If Cicinho signs today, be assured I’ll be all over it. I do expect it to happen, actually. Other than that, not much news.