Cicinho Saga: The Teen Movie

By: chris | August 16th, 2007

Here’s my promised Thursday post on steroids, due to my laziness yesterday. Somewhat of a staple of mine, the teen movie script. Which I’m pretty sure is not a good thing. God help us all….

The Cast:

Cicinho: James Franco (I’m sure there are better options, I was stumped)
Maria: Lohan (duh)
Rosa: Keira Knightley
Mr. Bronzettiballs: Fred Willard
Mr. Mijatovic: Peter Stormare
Al Gore: Al Gore
Silverback Gorillas: Lazio fans
Some Random Role Just Because: Donal Logue

The Soundtrack:

Reo Speedwagon - I Can't Fight This
Uploaded by Zerenodo

The Plot:

One day, in a sleepy little town called Uropa, a new family moves in to town, having traveled all the way from their native Brazil for the chance at a new life. Amongst them is a teenager named Cicinho, or Cici for short. A real looker, or “talent” as they say, he immediately has the girls buzzing; and they immediately start taking dibs on who’s going to ask him out first. He’s a mixture of shyness and mystery, only adding to his image as a dashing young man of style and promise. Even more so, a girl from his town back home in Brazil came to visit the previous summer and described him as “marauding,” which set the hearts of the hormone enraged girls aflutter. Most of it is all a teenaged fairy tale for the girls of the town however, because they all know one girl, Maria Mijatovic, will be the only one to get a crack at the new boy.

Everyone in town knows Maria. Her father was an athlete who now owns a highly successful adult magazine, and the family is rich beyond their wildest wet dreams. She is “The Queen Bee”, quite simply, and she always gets what she wants. No ifs ands or buts about it. No matter if it’s clothes, grades, toys, boyfriends or the #10 shirt for Bolton (which they’re apparently handing out on street corners these days). The girls of the town make sure they know where their boyfriends are at all times during the evenings, for fear that Maria may be on the prowl, looking for fresh, young prey. She’s a predator, there is little doubt about this. She’s the captain of the cheerleading team, the prettiest girl in town, and for her 16th birthday, her daddy gave her a cotton-candy pink Lamborghini Diablo - just to show that she’s better than you. When it comes to men, she’s a maneater, to say the least. You’re given a short time to please her, and if you just won’t do, it’s off with your head and the next sacrificial lamb is brought to the altar. And she may or may not have a slight coke problem, she gets bloody noses A LOT after 9pm. But for all her obvious superficial flaws, she’s still just a scared little girl who wants to please everybody and live up to the lofty expectations she’s set for herself.

The initial meeting between the two was typical, and nothing to pen a romantic best seller about. One day after football practice Maria mosied on over to Cici, who was giving himself a mini Gatorade bath in slow motion. Maria told him she thought he looked really good at practice that day, and Cici mumbled something about having a cat and linguine in his kit (he was still new to the language). Maria giggled like the schoolgirl she was and they proceeded to have a conversation which could only be characterized as “speaking in tongue - kinda”. Somehow it evolved to Maria asking him to come over to her house one day so she could show him the finer things in life. Like her daddy’s jacuzzi, his trophy collection, his cars and her prized orchid.

So Cici comes over with grand expectations of closing the big deal, which doesn’t take much persuasion, and soon they’re boyfriend and girlfriend. Once again, Maria gets what she wants. The news spreads around the town quickly and by Monday it’s the talk of the school. They roll through the double doors in slow motion holding hands, both of them posing like Paris Hilton getting a whiff of a Kodak one-time use camera within 250 yards. They stop and talk to people and tell them how happy they are to be together, and they believe this is for the long run. But they’re going to start out slow and do things right. There’s something magical in the air. Of course maybe that’s the reefer emanating from the Calderon household next door. Who lost their son in a tragic car accident with a drunk Aston Martin owner. They cleaned him out financially but now use drugs for escapism, as they can’t take the reality of the loss of their beloved son.

They go out on a couple public functions like the opening of the local Target and the premier of Harry Potter: Am I Fucking Dead Yet? just to be seen together, and everywhere they go they hear the whispers of “they’re such a cute couple” and “they’re perfect for each other” and “after seeing her, I want a hotter girlfriend. Don’t call me anymore. And shave your goddamn legs.” But it all changes after a few dates, when they actually start to spend some quality time together away from the limelight and red carpets. Cici rents a few humorously craptastic movies just to lighten the mood like What About Bob? and Super Troopers, but Maria is none too amused. She’s no BK and it’s her way or no way, she wants a refined gentleman who is nothing but GQ all day every day. Maria starts to realize after a few months that maybe things weren’t as perfect as they appeared, but at this point Cici has become BMOC. Some of the other, “lesser” girls have smelled the blood in the water and start to whisper that he may be there for the taking before long. Sending those estrogen meters into high gear and the men scrambling for the hills towards Mt. Bigbuckspremiership.

However, when the school year starts rolling around, Cicinho finds himself in the same art class as Rosa Pradsensi (you knew it had to be art), taught by Mr. Bronzettiballs. She’s the quiet girl from the poor family with the good intelligence and stunningly gorgeous looks, but doesn’t show too much interest in the big boys because she’s never been confident she has all that much to offer. Nevertheless, the moment they lock eyes, it’s like a flock of doves was released into the room. Cupid shot a direct arrow straight through his heart, only to be pierced more sharply by the intensely longing gaze of Rosa’s baby browns. At that moment, Cici knew this was it. He had found Her. Rosa felt a mutual attraction, and while skeptical due to his current status with Maria, knew she had to have her man.

Despite the obvious attraction, the two are timid around each other. It’s quite clear there is some dynamic chemistry, but due to Cicinho’s relationship and her lack of self-confidence, the two don’t let their feelings be known immediately. They make small talk and chat about school, the carnival and the plight of the silverback gorilla in central Africa, but don’t delve into anything more intimate. Then one day they’re alone after school walking down the hallway after staying late to finish up a nude portrait when they bump each other and create a spark (it’s carpeted). Immediately Cici says, “Did you feel that?” To which Rosa replies, “I’ve felt it all along.” (what, you thought there would be a teen movie without a cheesy line from some girl that spooks a guy? Get with it). The sit down on the bench outside the school and talk out their feelings in the pouring acid rain caused by Al Gore, staying into all hours of the night. Eventually they decide that “hanging out” as platonic friends would be best for all.

One day Cici decides to tell Maria how close he and Rosa have become, which was just a stupid stupid idea (duh - now). After which she flips out, breaks up with him and says “go back with your whore of a friend. Just go be with her. You obviously want to be with her and not me. Am I not good enough for you? Am I fat? Am I not anorexic enough for you? I had a piece of fucking lettuce today. Should I starve myself? Do you even know what her parents do? They’re swine. She has fake Prada shoes. They’re not even real. Do you know how many guys I’ve turned down for you? I could’ve had the entire campus. But I held out for you. You no good, backstabbing piece of shit. I love you. Please take me back. Don’t ever leave me. I don’t care what you say or do, we”ll always be together.” (I feel like I’m about to be sued for copyright infringement by Laguna Beach and/or The Hills) After the hullabaloo and drama, they reconcile in a mad passionate frenzy, because Cici has never seen such fire in her eyes before. Maria was torn, being with a man she know had eyes for another woman. But damnit, if everybody wants it, she’s going to get it. So she isn’t worried about any of those other girls, including Rosa. School gets out for the summer and Cici goes back home for a couple months, the harmonious couple staying together while Maria openly flirts with Danny, the captain of the football team from next town - but soon realizes even he is too much maintenance for her. He’s got his eye on greener pastures, and starts hitting up the local state university for “talent”.

Both Cicinho’s and Rosa’s families spend the next summer away from Uropa, probably best for all parties involved. They both rent little cabins on the lake for two months, but unfortunately for Maria, it’s the same lake. One night at the local grocer, Rosa and Cici bump into each other while they’re out for a stroll. Cici out for some mixed nuts and prunes and Rosa out for some female products to keep the bears away. They spend the night on the boardwalk overlooking the moonlit lake, not saying much, just staring deep into each other’s eyes. Finally, Cici leans over to kiss Rosa with one hand caressing her neck as a car drives by blaring REO Speedwagon “Can’t Fight This Feeling.” They fall asleep in each other’s arms on the wooden planks, awoken only by the rising sun. Together they decide it’s time, they have to be together no matter the consequences of that crazy bitch Maria.

Cici spends nights pacing the floor, wondering how he’s going to tell Maria it’s over. Rosa sends him encouraging text messages, and sneaks over late at night as they hold each other under the ever changing moons. She whispers in his ear, “have you ever woken up in the morning and wished someone had taken you passionately and ravenously the night before?” To which Cici replied “No. Why?” and Rosa doesn’t say a word (needless to say, Cici’s not the brightest of characters). Eventually, Cici calls Maria when he knows she’s busy at the electric beach and leaves her a voicemail that it’s over. He explains his reasons. He tries to appeal to the human side that she doesn’t normally let out of the cage. He hangs up expecting the worst. But he’s at peace. He can now move on to the one he is supposed to be with.

Somehow, someway, Maria surprisingly concedes defeat to the gargantuan and untouchable opponent that is true love. She calls up Rosa and gives her full blessing, saying she knows deep down that they belong together. She may be a bitch, but she’s human in the end. No more hassles, no more fights, no more facades. Cici has Rosa and Rosa has Cici. And they live happily ever after. With many many scudetti.

The Casting Choices

Franco: Like Cicinho, he’s a talent who has yet to really approach his full potential (see: Annapolis - well, don’t see it) and has called for a comparison to one of the greats like Cici. Cici with Cafu and Franco with James Dean (a personal fave).

Lohan: The train wreck that is the Real management. There was really no other choice.

Knightley: Did I really need an excuse?

Willard: It’s not a teen movie without him.

Stormare: My mind went immediately to him when I thought of Predrag. Could be the greasy slicked back hair thing. Plan B was Pat Riley.

Obviously the full script would be more detailed, but there’s the picture - if you’ve been in a coma for the last two years. The best part about all this? It will never ever go into production.

* - If Cicinho signs today, be assured I’ll be all over it. I do expect it to happen, actually. Other than that, not much news.